I am so tired, but it is a good tired.

I am so blessed, and it is an overwhelming blessed.

I am so full, and it is cake full.

I am so grateful.

Birthdays are hard for me. I tend to turtle and take on all the feelings. I don’t know why it is. Maybe it is because I am not with my girls, and Karissa shares my day as her birthday, too. I tend to miss my Mom a lot on my birthday, and that emotion began on Tuesday.

My co-workers celebrated my birthday on Tuesday during our lunch meeting and one of the miniature cakes on the table was a red velvet, the cake my Mom always made me for my birthdays. Tears formed, and I felt an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness. My work friends made me feel very loved with gifts and laughter and a sense of close-knit family-ness.

I came home on Tuesday evening to a beautiful arrangement of two dozen red roses on the kitchen island and that wonderful husband who knows how much flowers mean to me. After dinner, I made myself some red velvet cupcakes, thinking of the many years Mom had made my cake. I had to get my 5 miles in, so I went downstairs to get on the treadmill, and I discovered a new TV installed on the wall so I can watch my early morning news when I do my walking indoors. A yellow post-it note was on it: “Happy Birthday, Sweetheart.” Sam is simply the best.

A small stack of birthday cards were waiting for me on Wednesday morning, alongside a small gift bag from Michelle. I packed them all up and took them to work to open when I was ready for a “party of one.” Cami brought me a chai latte fancy drink with my first ever cake pop – how have I lived 58 years and never had a cake pop?! – and Karen surprised me with a very generous gift card from another favorite place.

Mid morning, my sister suggested we meet for lunch at one of my favorite little restaurants, just like we did last year. I agreed but also invited my husband and my Dad, and the four of us enjoyed an Andre’s lunch, an unexpected impromptu gift from Dad when he grabbed the bill. Andre’s, two years in a row on my birthday, so I think Angela and I now have a new tradition…

I left work early to attend KU Transfer Student Orientation. Nerves were on point, but after listening to what I am getting myself into, I now have nerves and a little excitement, too. The birthday ended at our favorite carry-out Chinese place, except that we didn’t carry out – we ate there so we could visit a little with our employee friend, Alice. It wasn’t a fancy or romantic dinner, but it is us, and that is what I love. Sam, Rhonda, and Melvin.

I thought the birthday was over. But tonight, when I walked into Dad’s building to play piano and call Bingo, my normal Thursday evening routine, my piano and Bingo friends were there with a party in store. There were cakes and treats and ice cream in the kitchen, friends in the lobby, gifts and cards and a large arrangement of the most beautiful pink roses, Jeannine’s first design, with help from Cheryl, the former florist. Angela joined all of us tonight, so I did what bratty little sisters do best, and I made her play Beatles duets with me on the piano while everyone listened to us “practice.” We ended piano time with Happy Birthday to January Birthdays, Happy Birthday to YOU, and then on to Bingo excitement.

I love this group of people. I love my circle. I love that Dad had this little request once upon a time, that I come and play our piano when Marilyn could no longer play, and because of that request, I now have the most wonderful circle. I love that Sam joined us tonight even though he always has other things to do. I love that Dad is always present even though he always declines playing Bingo. I love that David sometimes joins us for piano time and inserts the best wit and Dad jokes. I love that everyone loves my sister – she brightens up every room she enters. I love that Christy and Daisy always make me feel very loved. I love that Pedro wears Chiefs gear always and is collecting all the $2 bills he wins during Bingo. I love that Beth calls Sam “the Grinch” and is so quick-witted. I love that Fran is Mom2 and always gives me a hug. I love that Susan gives me a hard time during Bingo and sings along when I play the piano. I love that Cynthia is always excited about the possibility of winning Blackout and smells so good with the best perfume. I love that Pearl saved her corn casserole leftovers just for me. I love that Jeannine always chooses Bingo cards with an 11 on them and brings me hot tea when I arrive. I love that Eveline makes eye contact with me when she didn’t hear the number clearly, and she makes the best treats. I love that Diana is a ball of fun and sings like Whitney Houston, even voicemailing me her rendition of “Happy Birthday” for me to treasure forever. I love that Cheryl works so hard to bring back activities for all the residents and sends me “chapter texts” full of the love of Jesus. I love that they all love my Daddy. These are my regulars, but there are several others who sometimes play and sometimes don’t. I love that each week is different, but it is always my favorite day. Even when it isn’t my birthday.

I am so grateful.

I am grateful for a huge, soft, comfortable hoodie to wear on a work from home day.

I am grateful for a more than passing grade on this first week of trying to do better.

I am grateful for 40 miles of walking in 6 days.

I am grateful for one college class paid and for the anticipation of beginning next week.

I am grateful for a beautiful home.

I am grateful for a vacuum cleaner.

I am grateful for the sweetest basketball video of my junior Globetrotter grandchildren.

I am also grateful for videos of my flautist granddaughter blowing me away with her GIFT.

I am grateful for the best new cookbook – now, I just need to organize and plan.

I am grateful for full moons.

And I am grateful to be in the palm of His hand.

Reflect. Resolve. Recharge.

Now two days in to the new year, I have turned the page. I just need to keep turning the pages rather than get stuck on the same chapter or re-read the past chapters.

Lots of people choose a word to focus on their new year. I thought about joining that team, but it really isn’t who I am.

Lots of people make resolutions, and overwhelmingly, those resolutions are out the window before the month is over. I know resolutions do not stick. So I do my best to avoid them.

However. Every January 1, I reflect and then resolve to recharge. And this year is no different.

I have been reflecting on what I need to change.

• I talk about others, and it is not always kind.

• I mindlessly scroll on my phone too much, and it is not always productive.

• I stopped walking and caring about what I eat, and my body shows the lack of focus.

• I do not spend enough time in the Word or in prayer, and my soul is parched.

These four things are easily remedied. Easily. I just need to acknowledge and then resolve to do better.

Sam I am wants to get back to in-person 7:30 am Sunday morning church and wants to read one book a month.

Two days in, I would grade us at about 90%.

In the last 36 hours or so, I have walked about 15 miles, I have not talked about others, I have done better with food, I have spent some dedicated time in prayer, and we were in church and on the “front row” by 7:28 am.

His mercies are new every morning, and tomorrow is a new day to keep resolving to recharge.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. – Saint Francis of Assisi

Tonight, as I watch the suspended NFL game coverage, I am reminded to be grateful.

I am grateful for my health.

I am grateful for the sound of the rain outside, while I sit in a warm house and watch a fire in the fireplace.

I am grateful for sore muscles.

I am grateful for fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies, Lori Mendenhall’s recipe she gave me 30+ years ago.

I am grateful my Dad is doing so well.

I am grateful that football teams go to their knees in prayer and acknowledge the need for God’s intervention.

I am grateful for a quiet Christmas and New Year and for the blessing of long weekends and days off from work to focus on the reflecting, resolving, and recharging.

I am grateful for a new exhaust fan above my oven.

I am grateful for the simple joy two cats bring to this home.

I am grateful for a son who loves to read.

I am grateful for a hockey game first.

I am grateful for my brother and sister-in-law pastors and their influence in our lives.

I am grateful for family that loves to laugh and for a recycle dumpster for all the unnecessary boxes that were part of Adam’s exchange gift, a small pocket knife…

I am grateful for the opportunity to volunteer every Monday with our church food mobile and every Thursday at Dad’s apartment complex.

I am no longer my own, but yours.
Put me to what you will, place me with whom you will.
Put me to doing, put me to suffering.
Let me be put to work for you or set aside for you,
Praised for you or criticized for you.
Let me be full, let me be empty.
Let me have all things, let me have nothing.
I freely and fully surrender all things to your glory and service.
And now, O wonderful and holy God,
Creator, Redeemer, and Sustainer, 
you are mine, and I am yours.
So be it.
And the covenant which I have made on earth,
Let it also be made in heaven.  Amen. – John Wesley’s Covenant Prayer

Reflect. Resolve. Recharge. Triple re.

It is a good thing to work indoors when the weather outside is frightful.

Paper cuts HURT.

I just made the best cookies in the history of cookies.

Package delivery people deserve many stars in their crowns this month.

Cat hair in the eyes is the worst.

Little reindeer made from boss corks are pretty much the cutest, but I will not be making any after hearing the process to make them and how long it took.

And I am grateful for it all…except for the paper cut and cat hair.

This was sitting on my dad’s computer desk last night. He has not been sleeping well lately. His daytime thoughts and focus have been on news that he watches and reads and listens to…of our world, government, and culture. Delores sent this prayer to him many months ago, and yesterday, Dad was determined to find it so he could focus on it and pray these words when he cannot sleep.

There is a sentence there that I absolutely love. “What is too much for me to bear, is not too much for You.” Repeat. And repeat. And repeat again.

I have a wonderful friend who sent me an email recently – and she is very much in the same box as my Dad. Current news traps her in despair, and as she described it, “a funk.”

Over the past ten years, my views have drastically changed, but my faith has grown. I see the world so different these days. I know there are so many versions, but this is pretty much it:

I used to stand on that side, looking at the same world and seeing it from that perspective. Now I stand on this side, looking at the same world, and I see it from a completely different view.

As I read my friend’s words, I was awed by how we live in the same world, our faith aligns for the most part, we both trust and depend on God and consider ourselves to be dedicated followers of Christ, and yet, she sees a 6, and I see a 9. I sat and listened to my Dad last night as he described the corruption and dire status of our government – he also sees a 6, and I see a 9.

Two people can look at the same tree, but one sees it in a shadow while the other sees it in the sunshine. It just depends where you are standing as to how you view the exact same tree.

Similarly, two people will read the same passage of scripture and take away a different message. I actually love that about the Word of God. We can read it over and over again and always learn something new. As we age, our perspective changes. As we gain wisdom or go through life-altering events, God speaks to us through His Word in ways we could not have captured at other moments of our journey on earth.

Changing my perspective, my view, has been lifechanging for me. Politically and theologically, I used to be all the way to one side of the spectrum. When my life fell apart and I became “one of those people,” I was able to see life from a different angle. Black was no longer black, and white was no longer white. What we THINK we know and what we THINK we see, looks completely different depending where we stand, how we fill our minds, what “angle” we listen to…

Jesus was standing there. The woman was standing just a few feet away. And the Pharisees were standing between them. The view was very different from each of the three angles. One view was clearly correct, depending on where you were standing.

Judgment, following the law.

Condemnation, shame, guilt.

Or…grace, forgiveness, open arms.

John 8:1-11 continues to teach me, 11 years later. Today, I am grateful that He is the potter and I am the clay. I am not hardened with the angle in which I view the world.

Today, I am grateful to no longer stand in the same place I used to be, looking down at that line in the sand.

Today, I am grateful that what is too much for me to bear is not too much for God.

Today, I am grateful for the way The Message paraphrases 2 Corinthians 4:16-18:

So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.

Today, I am grateful for small potatoes.

Today, I am grateful for grace, forgiveness, and open arms.

Today, I am grateful for the ability to “see that of God in every man,” and I am grateful for the wisdom of my brother and sister-in-law and the patience they have had over all these years, quietly teaching this Quaker perspective until it finally sunk in. Sometimes it is difficult to distinguish, but I just need to “adjust my angle” and turn my eyes upon Jesus…and the things of earth will grow strangely dim.

Today, I am grateful for a positive perspective about our world, our government, and the promise of a brighter day.

Today, I am really grateful I am not in charge of the world.

Finally, today’s calendar on my desk includes this quote, and I am still very grateful for this desk calendar Michelle gave to me several years ago: This is the great mystery of Christmas that continues to give us comfort and consolation: we are not alone on our journey. The God of love who gave us life sent us the only Son to be with us at all times and in all places, so that we never have to feel lost in our struggles but always can trust that God walks with us. – Henri J.M. Nouwen

I was studying a pharmaceutical website this morning that had this picture at the bottom of one of its pages. For some reason, I was mesmerized and the picture alone brought me a sense of peace and calm and a feeling of receiving a gift.

When I see sunrises, or when I walk out of the office building at 5 pm and see a brilliant sunset, I always try to verbally out loud say, “Thank you.” These are gifts from God that are right there if we will just stop to recognize.

A former niece of mine, whom I shall claim forever because I love her dearly, often posts the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets from her farm, and each time she shares her view with the rest of us on social media, I stop and whisper, “Thank you.” Even though I am seeing it through her lens, it is still breath stopping.

*****

Today, I need a sunrise of hope and a sunset of peace.

Today, I am grateful for the promise of new days to try again.

Today, I am grateful for beautiful closure and the reminder that the worst thing is never the last thing.

Today, I am grateful for the ability to just stop and reflect.

Today, I am just grateful to be in the palm of His hand.

As the family was driving home on Sunday, and I was working on laundry and cleanup after their visit, my daughter texted me.

“FYI, Ansyr took your wedding album. I will be shipping it back. Sorry.”

Ansyr is 4-year-old sneaky, and that text message CRACKED ME UP. Of ALLLLL the things a 4-year-old would want to sneak into a backpack, who would have ever guessed it would be her Ama’s wedding album. Makes me love her even more now.

9 years ago today, my life changed for the best. That wedding album was created by my nephew, John; just snapshots, but priceless memories they are.

Today, I am grateful for memories of our wedding day.

I am grateful we didn’t make a big deal of it all – all we needed was each other…and my cousin/minister Danny and our Dads as witnesses to make it official.

I am grateful to be just as in love today as I was then.

I am grateful to have a partner who is a true partner.

I am grateful Sam calls me by my name.

I am grateful he helped me out this morning and took Dad to breakfast so I could get to work.

I am grateful for a surprise that walked into my office, carrying roses.

I am grateful we pray together, we go to church together, we live out our faith together, we keep each other in check.

I am grateful Sam does not let me “turtle” very long and has taught me to communicate and work through our challenges together.

I am grateful our family has grown – we now have a son, a new son-in-law, five more grandchildren, and two cats to love.

I am grateful we both like and dislike the same things.

I am grateful for 9 years full of life and living and adventures and traumas and handholding and “I love you’s” every day…

I am grateful for Sam I Am.

And I am grateful my granddaughter wanted our wedding album and her Mom is shipping it back.

Today is my Mom’s birthday. She was the first person I thought of this morning when I woke up.

I thought of her as I was driving to work and heard the song, “Lord, I need you.”

I thought of Mom as I turned my desk calendar to November 29.

I thought of some fun memories when our family celebrated her 60th birthday in San Antonio 31 years ago, at Sea World and at Magic Time Machine.

I thought of her as I took my horse pill vitamins that she loved to hate.

I thought of her as I answered a phone call from my Daddy.

I miss her “squeeze your guts out” hugs.

I miss her “get in here’s.”

I miss her alto/tenor voice.

I miss teasing her about her big purses, her driving, and her first name she never liked.

I miss watching Mom and Dad in their last years together.

I miss being able to call her and unload or share great news.

I missed her at our Thanksgiving table last week, and I know she would have LOVED it all.

I missed her in pictures.

I am grateful for my family that she and Dad created.

I am grateful for so much laughter between her and Dad, when Dad would tease her by “forgetting” her name and calling her “Helen,” or giving her a Reese’s peanut butter cup treat when she went “potty,” just like the treats they gave Natia, the dog.

I am grateful that I sometimes act like her and am looking more and more like her.

I am grateful that I understand more and more with the passing of time how she felt at this age, and I am grateful for the sharp pangs of regret that I now feel because I did not understand in my teens, 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s.

I am grateful that I am Rhonda Donda, daughter of Pearl Grace Johnson Ferguson.

I am grateful for a husband who loves his painting crew so much, he came over to my desk this morning and asked me to find some good Latino music to put on the house speakers for them while they work. As I work from home today, I am listening to Danny Ocean and have no idea what the words are, but it does sound very nice.

I am grateful for a surprise last night as I was calling Bingo at my Dad’s apartment complex. “O72, I28, B4…”

“BINGO!”

And my sister-in-law poked her head around the corner! I had completely forgotten that she and my brother were coming to KC this weekend! What a nice way to end my day.

I am grateful for a 59 degree home as I sleep every night, for a Nest system that lets me schedule the temperature, for a bed that has the ability to heat our feet, and for the luxuries of this home God has blessed us. We are so undeserving, and the responsibility to bless others and pay it all forward to those who are in need is that much heavier.

I am grateful for a boss friend who takes the best pre-dawn pictures and sends them to me.

I am grateful for a do-er husband and not a talk about doing it husband.

I am grateful for Diana and Fran and Jeannine and Beth and Christy and Daisy and Pedro and Cynthia and Cheryl and Susan and Evelina and Dave and Mark and Karen and Claudette. They are Dad’s friends, and now they are my friends, too. All of them make my Thursday evenings rich and my heart full and they give me so much joy.

I am grateful for the smell of homemade Chex Mix in the oven wafting through the house and into my nose.

I am grateful for the anticipation of fingerprints on glass doors, a house full of chaotic chatter, game playing, contstant “Ama-ing,” and a fun Thanksgiving weekend.

I am not good with last minute surprises, I will admit. But I am grateful for every opportunity to do better and a husband who holds my hand through it, hugs the panic out of me, and helps me work through it.

I am grateful for a clean microwave.

I am grateful for the sound of drilling and sawing, well not really, but I am grateful that WHILE those sounds are happening, a cat sleeps peacefully.

I am grateful to have had a Facetime call with 12-year-old granddaughter last night, so she could show me her new braces.

I am grateful for a brother who helped our friend Fran with her car in the 20 degrees this morning.

Finally, I am grateful that my life is filled with people who give and give and give and give. I am blessed as the receiver and inspired to be more like the givers.

And…the painting crew nixed Danny Ocean. They requested Christian Nodal instead, for those of you in the know. Who knew. Not I.

I have a friend. She used to actually be a pretty close friend. We have so many fun memories, adventures we took, secrets we shared, long talks about life, parallel life experience. If I wasn’t calling my mom or my sister, her number was next on the list.

But something happened. I can’t even remember if it was a someTHING, or some THINGS. I can’t remember if it was even something at all.

I would call or email and she wouldn’t answer right away. Over time, the distance began to grow wider, the gaps between our conversations longer. Sometimes it took 2-3 tries before she would respond to me. My text messages to her sat out there in space, like I had never sent them to begin with. And then, out of the blue, she would reappear in my inbox, always with an apology for how long it had been.

I think about her OFTEN. Her image appears in my thoughts, and I wonder what she is doing today. I wonder what her Thanksgiving will be like this year. I wonder if she feels this void like I do. I wonder if she no longer wants a relationship with me. Is that why she went silent and disappeared from my routine? I mean, friendship cannot be one-sided, can it? It is like a partnership, right? Both parties must engage for the friendship to be healthy and living. I think, anyway…

If she would just say, “Hey,” I would be so happy.

FLIP SIDE.

I am that friend. I used to actually be a pretty close friend.

I don’t know what happened. Evolution of time, I guess.

I would get a call or a text during a meeting, or my phone would be on silent as it always is at work, and I wouldn’t see that I had missed a call until much later, but for some reason or another, I couldn’t respond right away. Maybe I was driving, maybe I was trying to remember all the things I had to get at the grocery store. Maybe I only had two minutes and knew that a phone call would require 32 minutes to catch up.

At first, it was a few hours of neglect and forgetting to respond. Sometimes I knew I should respond but my brain was tired and I just didn’t have it in me to talk or text or send an email. And then it would be the next day. And intentions were spot on – it was on my list. Gotta send that email today. Gotta make that phone call today. And at the end of the day, after second-guessing several times if this was a good time to call, or after a long day of focused computer-staring work, I just didn’t.

I just didn’t.

And the guilt began to grow in that petri dish of a conscious. It grew so much that every time I think of her, I think of the memories and that pit in the stomach resurfaces. Bad friend, Rhonda. Bad, bad friend.

I have that same feeling when I look at my calendar and see birthdays or anniversaries that I missed sending a card. I have that same feeling when a close friend gives me an incredible gift that took effort and thought, and I put off thinking ahead, so Amazon ordering or email gift card it is.

Why am I like this? Is it menopause? Is it lack of character? Is it laziness? Is it a mental/emotional misfiring? Is it just plain thoughtlessness?

Today, I am grateful for an abundance of friends, rather than a lack of them.

Today, I am grateful for those close friends who are still close friends even in the distance. They are the ones who understand and just pick up where we left off, with no mind to what happened in the gap.

Today, I am grateful for forgiveness and understanding.

Today, I am grateful for sunrises and fresh new days to try again.

Today, I am grateful for the age-old wisdom that in order to HAVE a friend, you need to BE a friend.

Today, I am grateful for reflection I’ve had thinking about all my friends and the diversity in my circle.

Today, I am grateful for that friend who finished her email last week with, “I will always love you.”

Today, I am grateful for a friend who is closer than a brother, who really loves me, who is always there and waiting for me, when I “pick up the phone” and call.

Today, I am grateful for the reminder through a song that was on the radio as I drove to work, that I’ve got a friend.