I am not sure I have experienced this “emotion”  – numbness. Is it an emotion? I find myself sitting and staring out the window today, not able to focus on work. It’s not that I am thinking about anything in particular, but I just sit in blankness.

Sure, in the back of my mind is the gnawing, the unknown, the fear that shouldn’t be there but I’m human –

Last night, a new friend here in Small Town USA texted Sam and I this video:

So I have hung on to the words today.

In the midst of all that we face, my daughter sent Sam her prayer.

A new tenant spoke words of healing and faith after hearing our challenge and promised prayer warriors.

One of our ministers from our church reached us via voicemail, email, and CaringBridge with words that were so soothing to this fresh wound.

Good friends and fellow employees are texting us with their love, their brokenness, their encouragement.

And Kelli reminded me 45 minutes ago to name the blessings, one by one.

1. Breeze that isn’t cold but isn’t hot
2. Natia’s sweetness
3. My two girls who still make my heart skip a beat
4. Fall flowers
5. Chiefs and Mahomes
6. Sam is with his family today, enjoying a cross country meet with a favorite great nephew
7. Fly swatter success
8. A call from my Dad, a call from my second mom, a call from Joyce
9. The best doctors
10. Time spent with my sister
11. Sam’s happiness when he has a video call with his daughter
12. Afternoon shadows on a freshly mowed lawn
13. My job and my bosses whom I dearly love
14. Attending church on the couch, holding hands, staring out the windows while listening to the message last night
15. First attempt at pork ribs on the grill and whaddayaknow – edible!
16. Help from my brother and Dad
17. Watching Sam cry and realizing how blessed I am to have a husband who feels and doesn’t hide
18. The Voice begins tonight after our walk
19. Tatum, Parker, Anissa, Reilly, Andrae, Annistan, Anjalie, Andersyn, Aynjel, and Ansyr
20. A young man who has made such a difference in Sam’s life and is wise beyond his years, showing such gratitude and maturity
21. Great neighbors on every side
22. An ache for my piano – it is time for it to come home. Today, I need it…

I am grateful for…

• days of summer that make me long for days of autumn.
• new old shoes that are now being used on our walks, saving the new new shoes for when they are really needed.
• sleep.
• a new bar stool at the kitchen island.
• a lack of good bookkeeping that was a nice surprise instead of a rotten surprise, resulting in a utility bill double paid.
• new grass planted and a new soaker hose.
• planning underway for our Blessings Breakfast.
• resolve to cut out starches and sugars.
• the smell of popcorn as we walked by the movie theater – if I can’t eat it, at least my nose can enjoy.
• talent that makes us cry.
• silly videos of granddaughters.
• growing up enough to eat yogurt.
• a husband who sings hymns all through the house.
• WD-40.
• our house that smells really good since the crockpot has been cooking all day.
• finally uncovering the Life Application Bible that I usually use but had not been able to find since the move.
• potato chips, whole sleeves of Ritz, chocolate chip cookies, vanilla ice cream with Nestle Quik powder on top, potato chips, Dr. Pepper, fresh hot bread with cinnamon or honey butter, pineapple, macaroni and cheese, spaghetti, cupcakes, potato chips, Baskin Robbins chocolate peanut butter ice cream, Reese’s peanut butter cups, Snickers, Taco Johns Potato Ole’s, Kit Kats, Mounds, honeycrisp and pink lady apples, potato chips, Cap’n Crunch peanut butter cereal, Cheezits, Quisp cereal, pizza, french fries, mashed potatoes, and peanut buster parfaits…all things I am not supposed to have, since at this age, every day is now a gift.  I will just pretend and be grateful anyway.

This week, my church devotions are focused on the verse in the Lord’s Prayer, “forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

It has been refreshing to hear the differences between the words sins, debts, and trespasses. It has been enlightening to understand the Greek words used in scripture: “hamartia” and “paraptoma” and “opheleima.” It has been refreshing to be reminded about our need for forgiveness and the necessity to forgive.

What has been perplexing to me, however, and what has been continually on my mind…when we ask for forgiveness from others, and it is not extended to us, where do we go from there?

I find myself in this position with a few people in my life. I have acknowledged my wrongdoing, I have repented of it, I have asked to be forgiven, I have taken those steps towards reconciliation, I have put myself in that vulnerable position, and yet, I have been met with silence.

The heartache is real. The Looney Toons going-over-the-cliff-at-a-dead-run-only-to-realize-there’s-nothing-beneath-you pause is gut-wrenching. And, it is where I find myself with these few relationships. Met with silence and a back turned.

I am grateful for all of the scripture on forgiveness, on turning to God in times of trouble, on casting all my care on Him. Psalm 103:9-13 is where I rest.

I am grateful, I guess, that I don’t have the answer to “where do I go from here?” It makes me just want to keep trying to run full speed ahead off that cliff – maybe this time I will make it to the other side and I won’t be met with a cold shoulder, with silence. Maybe just maybe it will be a smile, or an invitation, or a hug with an, “I forgive you.”  Or maybe, just maybe, I will get an “I’m sorry I have not accepted you. I have missed out on a big part of your life.”

But mostly, I am grateful that God has forgiven me, and I have forgiven myself, and I have been able to forgive the ones who have been the source of many hurts in my life. I am grateful for the support and encouragement from those in my life who tell me to keep running off that cliff, keep reaching out, keep trying.

Beep beep.

Sunday morning, Sam and I woke up before the world did, and we went for our 3 1/2 mile walk. It was so pleasant and so peaceful as we walked through our small town USA. The birds were waking up, there was an occasional dog bark or a lazy cat in a driveway staring at us. We noticed the odd abundance of a lot of really ugly caterpillar-like squirmers on the street in front of one particular house – “they must have sprayed their yard or something…”

We have a new route. We walk west, past Main street several blocks and then make our way back to Main after going south for several blocks. As we approached downtown, I began to hear a faint gospel song on some not-so-Bosey-speakers. I love that about our little town. Someone has the job of setting a station on the outdoor speakers that hang from the light poles on Main Street, probably the owner of the store that sells televisions. Sometimes you will hear classic oldies as you run into the pharmacy, sometimes you will hear the ballgame. But on Sunday early morning, it was scratchy bad speakers gospel.

We turned the corner onto Main and we walked onto a movie set. It was the eeriest feeling. Not a real movie set, but it could have been. 90’s gospel music on a scratchy speaker, a few dry leaves rustling across main street, and NOT A SOUL BUT US. No cars, no humans, no creatures. Just us and the scratchy music with a little ghost town breeze.

I mentioned to Sam that it felt like we were the last humans on earth and zombies were waiting around every corner to chase us. About a mile later, we made our way back to Main to head north, and I was breathing a sigh of relief. The church door unlocker-ers were driving to their destinations, a few farmers were heading out to the field to check on cows, and the town was joining us to welcome Sunday morning. Gospel music had turned to a local missionary sharing his adventures, and not one zombie had been spotted.

30 minutes earlier, I had been ready to hunker down and panic over bread and milk.

Funny how perspective changed so quickly.

It made me think back to Katrina’s childhood when she would take showers with the shower curtain completely open and sing at the top of her lungs, just in case sharks came up through the drain.

Not reality, but when you have a “hunker down” mindset, it’s all the reality you need to panic.

How DO you hunker down, anyway? And is there such a thing as hunkering up?

Zombies obliterated, sharks have gone to the waste water treatment plant. Everybody can hunker up now.

***

I am grateful there’s no such thing as zombies or sharks in drains.

I am grateful for scratchy speakers on Main street.

I am grateful for early Sunday morning walks.

Go donate all that bread and milk, or make french toast on a Sunday morning and be grateful for it.

“Today is only one day in all the days that will ever be. But what will happen in all the other days that ever come can depend on what you do today.” – Ernest Hemingway

I am grateful for all kinds of things this week. It’s been a busy one. I’m mostly grateful for the way God shows up in the littlest of ways, just to remind me that He is here and I am His.

When we are reminded each morning how very fortunate we are.

When silly text messages are sent in the middle of the day and I realize how very blessed I am to have friends in Oklahoma who didn’t walk away.

When I open the dishwasher to discover clean dishes once again.

When I look down at Natia smiling in her sleep.

When Linda sends a letter.

When I hear the worship song, “Breathe.”

When the postman knocks on our door for a certified signature and I find him sitting on our porch swing, enjoying a minute of break.

When three neighbor kids come over to hang out and eat our ice cream that we are no longer eating.

When I feel the sweet success of a productive day.

When Sam leans over and kisses me on the cheek, just because.

When I learn something new about The Lord’s Prayer, after thinking I knew it so well after all these years.

When I am hungry for bread, now that we are not eating it, and it causes me to remember to hunger for daily bread.

When I catch myself thinking, “I need to call Mom.”

When I am privileged to receive a phone call from my daughter and she tells me all the things.

When I read an exceptional devotion and it sticks.

Like this one. Too good to keep to myself.

My boss and I were having a conversation yesterday about being the boss. I guess I have never been the boss, other than motherhood, so I was very enlightened as she gave some great insight.

She’s pretty open about her feelings, and that is rare in an employer, I think. But I need to appreciate that fact, because she’s a good teacher. Sometimes I think she shares too much, but I admire her for being vulnerable – besides, she’s a good teacher. And I am her student.

My husband is a boss, and I can observe some of what my boss was talking about, but I had never realized it before. It’s all about perspective and what you choose to notice, I guess.

1. Bosses are expected to be gracious – it’s part of their job.
2. Bosses have feelings and those feelings include loneliness, being left out, not wanting to make the tough decisions, controlled anger that cannot be expressed…
3. Bosses like to be included in the office banter and fun.
4. Bosses need pats on the back, too – they are human.
5. Bosses, most of them anyway, don’t enjoy giving bad news or cracking down on slackers.
6. Bosses are rarely shown gratitude – it’s part of their job.

I am quick to look for my paycheck but rarely if ever think about the struggle it has to be sometimes for that paycheck to be written.

I am quick to complain about being overworked, but I can turn off my computer and call it a day.

I am quick to point out the annoyances and faults of my bosses and take for granted all their great qualities that attracted me to this career. It’s easier to notice the negative. And sometimes it’s hard to acknowledge the positive.

I am quick to thank fellow employees for something or comment positively on a presentation that took time to prepare, but I RARELY think to comment to my bosses when they conduct a meeting that had to have taken preparation.

I watched my husband spend hours sitting at a table this past weekend, handwriting cards to every employee in the new company that is being formed. No one else saw this. I am sure very few, if any, thanked him for the personal touch.

I have watched him sacrifice his time off to go help others or get the new offices ready.

I have noticed the lines of stress that show on his face as he spends his off time constantly thinking about the company, his employees, how he can improve, and decisions to be made.

I have been his ear as he tells me about his day and talks about his employees with adoration for going above and beyond or sharing about their children’s accomplishments.

I have heard him tell many of his employees “thank you” for a job well done, or “You did a great job,” concerning a project, and I have also heard him respond, “No one did,” when I’ve asked him if any of his people commented on something he did for them.

I have experienced his kind and gentle admonition when I did something incorrectly, I have relished his accolades when I achieved a workplace milestone, I have appreciated his signature and thoughtful “Dear’s” and his shoulder squeeze when his “old school self” just wanted to reach out and show that he cared.

Because at one time, he was my boss.

Even at 53, I am still learning a lot from being an employee.

Even at 53, I am still finding more ways to be grateful.

Even at 53, I realize I need to be more observant.

Even at 53, I am kinda glad I am not at the top of the totem pole. I just need to do better at being towards the bottom.

I am grateful for these little lessons that come out in every day life, when I talk to my boss, when I watch my husband in his professional role, when I sit at a computer all day and let the little things bother me, when I am quick to expect and not-so-quick to show gratitude.

I am grateful once again, for the reminder to say, “Thank you.”

And I am grateful for my boss,  who is vulnerable and real, and teaches me very valuable life lessons.

This morning on our walk, I was grateful that I brought a jacket.

I was grateful for the beauty of the moon.

I was grateful for the quiet street.

I was grateful for mowed grass to walk through.

I was grateful for the cardinal singing, and I imagined he was singing Psalm 121, so this favorite song of mine (above) played on my internal jukebox and will all day long.

I was grateful that all of the things swimming in my head yesterday dissipated in the stillness of the morning.

I was grateful for my walking partner and the fact that I would have rather stayed under the covers but he asked, “You wanna walk?”

I was grateful for the prompting of the Holy Spirit with each step I took, to pray for Lisa and Nancy, for Chris and Kreyson, for Karissa’s health and her bible study, for Delores and decisions, for my granddaughters getting ready to go back to school, for Melissa and the boys, for an end to our search for the depression expert, for my Dad, for a break for my brother, for Valerie, for my sister-in-law’s upcoming surgery, for Alan, for Hong’s boys, for protection for my Texas grandchildren, for Sam, for Geri’s new life at home, for Curby and Jeffry’s hearts, and for Uncle Charlie and cousin Charlie.

I was grateful for the bittersweet memories that came to mind of teaching some of the best kids in the world, missing my choirs.

I was grateful for the privilege of seeing children riding their bikes to school for something happening in the early morning.

I was grateful to watch a beautiful white and gray cat being curious on our patio.

I was grateful that Natia can still run happy all over the front yard.

I was grateful for the beauty of blooming ornamental grass.

I was grateful for the gift of a cool August morning instead of sticky humidity.

I was grateful that God knows my anxious heart and already has everything mapped out.

I was grateful that ALL of my help comes from the Lord, through creation, through the lives of my circle, through His word.

I was grateful.

I still am.

I’m hungry, I miss sweets, I need to iron, I need to work faster, Natia looks so cute while she sleeps, oh I need to write that card, don’t forget to take that stack to the mailbox, someone just knocked on the door, I ate too much celery, stay FOCUSED!, I hope Sam got some pats on the back today, I should have taken typing in high school, I have GOT to get our bathroom organized, I need to go read James 2 again, church was good and people were so friendly, I miss COR church, football and volleyball season YES, I need to go downstairs and take a break and play a little, rats, no piano, why is this computer so slow, don’t forget to have that account changed, I wonder if the girls are excited for school next week, I miss the smell of Haven Grade, why does that make me ALWAYS think of monster cinnamon rolls and chili, we should have chili tonight, I wish my grandchildren were going to school, we need a tenant, ugh the duplex is not ready to go, gotta make those reservations, I really don’t wanna do this eating plan, I miss a potato, but I also missed Dr. Pepper and survived now 5 1/2 years without, John McCain was a good man, it’s pretty incredible that he has both sides of the aisle speaking at his funeral, I wonder if I will even have a funeral, I wish it would stay 68 degrees from now on, Bob Goff hurry up and write another book I can’t get enough of your simple wisdom, Sam is so kind to people, what if I can’t find this whizbang immunologist?!, I wish I could get on Facebook, I feel so unproductive, I need to connect with the CASA guy and get going again, what should I fix for dinner poor Sam, I wanna listen to that sweet little girl squeal about getting a new heart over and over and over again, I wonder if everyone received my cards, what was I doing in 1988 when Wild Thing was on the radio, I need to be nicer to people who give me anxiety, please heal Nancy’s body Jesus, I think I will weed/feed the yard myself, Natia is fat too and it’s my fault too, should we get a kitten?

I am grateful that Sam likes to walk with me, and I am grateful that he lets me unload all of that so that I can start all over again tomorrow.

When I was 15, I was involved in a pretty decent motorcycle crash.  While I was in the hospital, I memorized Psalm 46, or at least most of it. And I repeated the first verse over and over and over during the months and years of healing that followed.

The Lord is my refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. The Lord is my refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. The Lord is my refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Over the many years since, I have repeated that scripture over and over and over, when I couldn’t form any original thoughts, words, or prayer, when desperation set in and I felt like life was spiraling or life was in a vacuum.

Today, I am grateful for that brown leather bible that I held onto in that hospital bed, I am grateful for the random/not-random-at-all thumbing through to find something, anything that might give me peace, and I am grateful for God’s divine direction that led me to Psalm 46:1.

I am grateful that even now, in moments of anxiety, He gives so much scripture of reassurance.

Quite simply…a hug in words.

Nothing like a hard day, and then coming home to find a fun surprise in the mail.

Nothing like a hard day, and then to be acknowledged as a “fixer” of all things.

Nothing like a hard day, and then be recognized as “Grandpa.”

Nothing like a hard day that brings tears, and then ending a hard day with the good kind of tears.

I am grateful for a black t-shirt.

I am grateful for the sweet heart of my daughter.

And I am grateful for hard days that remind us to be grateful for the little things in life.