Unaware.

Posted by

0

Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer. – Psalm 19:14

Dad has turned the page and is living his last chapter after a tough bout of Covid right after Christmas. He was hospitalized for a week and is now navigating life in skilled nursing, but with his dementia, he doesn’t completely understand it all.

Some days, he is Delmar as we have all known him to be for the last several years. Other days, he needs help with hygiene and dressing himself.

Dad uses a walker, something he refused to do one month ago. I think he understands that walking is easier with it, now that his remaining strength is waning. He is restless all day long in his dementia and can be seen peeking out from his room, walker leading the way, anxious to walk the halls and find something or someone to watch besides his four walls.

I have noticed in the past two weeks that he has begun to mumble a little, talking to himself without realizing it. It has only happened a handful of times, but when I have questioned him about what he has just said, he looks at me with a blank face, unaware that he had just said anything. Another new sign of this condition…

He no longer reads, a favorite pastime that used to keep him busy for hours. He doesn’t attempt to understand the TV remote but watches whatever happens to be on the screen, chosen by the caregiver or visitor to his room. So on Tuesday afternoon as I sat with Dad in his room sharing a sub sandwich and his favorite potato chips, I decided to find something on TV for him to watch besides the depressing and incessant political firestorm. I chose The 700 Club, thinking Dad might enjoy some inspirational stories while I read my first day’s homework assignment on literary modernism.

I wasn’t paying much attention to the TV. Dad was eating chips. I smiled, remembering how he loves chips and passed that down to his youngest child. I have no willpower, I thought, and neither does Dad. I went back to attempting to focus on Gertrude Stein and James Joyce, when all of a sudden, Dad mumbled something.

I looked up at him, thinking he was talking to me, but he was staring at the TV. I wrote down what he said in the margin, because it was meant to be heard and remembered:

“God loves you…thank you, God.”

I immediately thought of the scripture that Josephine taught all the kids at the Friends Church in Hutchinson so many years ago that is part of my prayer life even now. “Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in Thy sight, O Lord, my Strength, and my Redeemer.” Dad speaks out loud without realizing it, but what comes out is what is in his heart.

We keep a camera in his room to monitor his movements now that he is prone to falls, and my phone notifies me when there is activity of any kind. That night, when dementia was in full bloom, Dad got up out of bed and made his way to the bathroom in the darkness. This happens many times a night, and we are certain that Dad has no recollection that he gets up a dozen times in the night. But I review the video clips each morning after, just to be sure everything is okay.

At 9:18 pm, on his way back to bed, he spoke very loudly, “Help me, Lord.”

I am so very grateful that my Dad has such a beautiful heart that the words he speaks are life giving and honoring to God, even when he is unaware. What a blessing it is to be a witness to Dad’s living testimony.

Help me to do better.

Posted by

1

Lord,

2025 so far is a little more dramatic and traumatic than I would prefer, but as this new year begins, I do not want to set any goals. I always fail to meet them. So I am just going to ask you

  • to help me to do better.
  • to help me talk to you more.
  • to help me listen more than I talk.
  • to help me be a better friend.
  • to help me rely on you when I am at a loss.
  • to help me laugh more.
  • to help me appreciate my blessings.
  • to help me respond rather than retreat.
  • to help me study more effectively.
  • to help me through my lack of motivation.
  • to help me procrastinate less.
  • to help me resist temptations.
  • to help me write more.
  • to help me step out of my comfort zone a little more.
  • to help me read more and stare at my phone less.
  • to help me be the best daughter I can be and care for Dad in his last season of life.
  • to help me eat less and exercise more.
  • to help me remember what is important and let go of what does not matter.
  • to help me accept those things I cannot change.

I am grateful for the opportunity this morning to go to church with good friends.

I am grateful for a message today that made me think.

I am grateful for the lesson from Isaiah 43:1, and grateful that God knows my name and claims me, even when I need to do better.

I never thought I would get here.

Posted by

1

Today, I am 60. I can remember in my youth thinking that the Lord would return before I turned 40, or I would die in a fiery crash or something like that. But God thought otherwise, and here I am.

So much has happened in the last year, and I have not opened this page in what seems like forever. I set aside this counting of blessings, for better or worse – mostly worse. It is never a good idea to stop counting blessings. I owe my 60 years of life to God and His grace, and I must acknowledge that every day.

I am grateful for those who have stuck with me in my absence.

I am grateful for this abundance of snow.

I am grateful for two daughters and my husband who planned the best surprises beginning on New Years Eve and lasted an entire week, making me feel loved and seen.

I am grateful for soft cat fur even though it is everywhere in this house.

I am grateful for text messages, emails, phone calls, cards, social media messages from people who remember 1.11 and wish me a great day.

I am grateful for the best grandchildren.

I am grateful for a fireplace and a plethora of throws.

I am grateful for 2025, even when it starts with such trauma and drama.

I am grateful for the opportunity and privilege to take care of my Dad’s needs, grateful he is recovering, grateful he is anxious to get back to normal.

I am grateful for the friendship we have maintained with Cindy and Keith over the years, grateful for the memories I will always have of my high school best friend, grateful she is in the presence of Jesus and with her parents now.

I am grateful for the book of letters my girls gave to me for my birthday, from the ones in my life who mean the most, an incredible reminder of how blessed I am. Words are precious to me, and this was the best gift I think I could have received.

I am grateful that I have had the support of Sam to work on this college degree process, and I am grateful that I am still on track to walk across the stage at the end of this year.

I am grateful for this new freedom to be home without having to go to work any longer, although I miss not having to go to work any longer.

I am grateful that I can still help my son-in-law and husband shovel a driveway full of snow.

I am grateful for sibling group texts.

I am grateful for moments with Sam when we laugh together, when we have serious discussions, when we both sit in the fireplace room in silence, reading books and enjoying the quietness of an afternoon.

I am grateful for the privilege to sit in a classroom full of very smart students all younger than me – I am learning so much about the world, about literature that I never knew existed, about writing, about the richness of diversity, about accepting other opinions and points of view.

I am grateful for my birthday gift of a daughter who has her hands full and overflowing with God’s gifts of her own.

I am grateful for my health, my supplements, my treadmill, my tennis shoes…but not my scale. It is not my friend, yet.

2025 has just begun to be written, and I am grateful for blank pages full of possibilities and story lines.

I am learning to count my blessings all over again, acknowledging and thanking God, starting new on 1.11. No better time than the present.

True Love.

Posted by

2

This is Sundae. He began showing up this summer, staring at us from his perch under Sam’s truck. He was skinny and skittish but curious and clearly wanting to connect.

Slowly, Sam was able to get him to come a little closer, and one day, Sundae decided Sam was a good guy. It took a little longer for him to warm up to me, but over the past couple months, we have become good friends, and he purrs loudly with cheek scratching and food love.

On Halloween night, Sam entertained the neighborhood when he chose “trick” instead of — actually in addition to — “treat,” and kids had to come up with jokes or songs or dances before they got a Fun Dip or Snickers. Two sisters who live a couple blocks over showed up at the door well past the rest of the crowd. It was 30 degrees outside and they had no gloves, so we invited them inside to warm up for a minute while little sister chose her candy. They noticed the food dish with cat food just outside the front door, and we began telling them about a cat we were feeding that just seems to hang out sometimes.

“Yeah, we have an outside cat, too. He’s orange and we call him ‘Billy.’ He roams the neighborhood.”

I whipped out my phone and showed her this picture of Sundae.

“He’s CHEATING on us?!”

We all laughed and laughed and laughed…and feel a lot better knowing Sundae, or Billy, or whatever his name, is very loved and seen.

This little guy has grown on us. We look for him morning and night and get excited when he is at the door, waiting on dinner. We have gone so far as to take him to the vet to see if he is chipped – he isn’t.

We, as in Sam and I.

Banana and Split, not so much. Actually, not at all. Banana wants to be outside so badly, but he wants to dominate and repel this intrusion into his sacred space. Split is wide-eyed and completely mortified, escaping to hide under our bed if there is a HINT this horrid creature is about to come inside.

Of course, as the weather has begun to change, we have contemplated about Sundae’s comfort and joy. I made the ridiculous decision to order a heated crate for him. He refused to enter the crate, but if I put the heating pad in a Costco cardboard box with a towel, it was like a palace. A few weeks ago, we had a brilliant idea to create a covered shelter because rain was forecasted. We didn’t want to spend a fortune, so we skimped and rigged this contraption:

It was not our shining moment.

The next morning, the towel was sopping wet, and poor Sundae was nowhere to be seen. I don’t blame him.

So, back to the drawing board. It would have been easy to just order a doghouse from Amazon, but, we don’t always do easy. Instead, Sam did his Sammyness, and on his own, he began designing a prototype in his head.

In the meantime, the cardboard Costco box came back onto the patio, and we were ingenious by putting a plastic storage container lid over the top of the box to shield it from the rain. Who woulda thought. It worked, although it looked very, “Arkansas,” and I apologize to those of you who are offended by that…but if ya know, ya know.

This afternoon, Sam revealed his Sammyness:

Underneath that towel, there is a heated pad. The whole Sundae house smells gloriously like pine, and tonight, when Sundae appears for dinner, he will be handed the keys to his new palace.

I cannot think of a sweeter anniversary gift, and after 10 years, I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is true love…

I am grateful today for a new home for Sundae.

I am grateful today for a beautiful afternoon to get it all set up and ready.

I am grateful today for sweet surprises that spark comfort and joy.

And I am MOST grateful today for my husband of 10 years tomorrow.

So, so capturing a moment.

Posted by

0

Tuesday evening, I went to spend a little bit of time with Dad. I didn’t get there very early, because it was after class. The sun was setting when I arrived, and I was so, so tired.

My day began at 3:45 am when Sam needed to get up and get on the road for an adventure with his brother and nephews. I tried to get back to sleep after I waved goodbye from the garage, but sleep was just beyond, so I watched some TV and drifted in and out.

I thought about getting dressed and going for a long walk in the crisp cool of the night morning, but I didn’t. I just didn’t.

So the day started as usual. I headed to work and spent my time focused on LinkedIn profiles, formatting CVs, distracted and constantly thinking about Child Development exam week and our upcoming weekend in Seattle/Tacoma.

I was grateful Sam had a fun Tuesday with his family.

I was grateful my boss treated us to lunch in the conference room.

I was grateful I had the willpower to choose a kale salad with no dressing, and even more grateful it was actually good.

I was grateful for Freddie’s fries on my way to class after work, although I criticized myself the whole way while I enjoyed every last one of them.

I was grateful I made it to class with one minute to spare after sitting in the parking lot too long, finishing up those perfectly seasoned shoestring fries.

I was even more grateful when the professor said class would only be an hour long as we worked our way through the study guide in advance of the exam.

As soon as class was over, I saw the text from my sister that she hadn’t been able to get away to go see Dad, so I knew I needed to stop and check in with him. I ran home for a few minutes to unload, so, so tired from the day that had begun at 3:45 am. I threw a few treats for Banana and Split, put things away, stared into the refrigerator and decided fries would suffice for the night, grabbed my keys, and headed back out.

The sunset was so, so beautiful in the rearview mirror as I drove east toward Dad’s apartment. If only I had left 15 minutes earlier, I could have taken Dad out to go enjoy that view.

I parked in the parking lot and made my way inside and up to the 2nd floor apartment. Dad was there and was surprised when I knocked on the door and entered. His room was quiet, TV dark, and he had just begun his nightly routine of winding down.

“Dad, the Royals are on! We gotta get the TV on!”

He gave me his usual Ferguson surprised look, and we sat down to watch. As soon as I channeled the right channel, we were both Ferguson surprised to see the score was 8-0 in our favor, and it was only the 2nd inning. We settled in for an unusually fun few innings to watch, talking about the day with not a lot to say. As time passed, the sun’s light disappeared and the night arrived outside Dad’s window. He doesn’t pull the shade, ever, so he always has a view. The parking lot lights were bright with flying night bugs in their shine – car headlights could be seen on the street just beyond. Salvy stepped up to the plate and RBI’d, and that was all I needed to see – the Royals were taking care of business and didn’t need my support on this particular night. Besides, my eyes were screaming at me to take them home and put them to bed.

I told Dad I was exhausted and would be back tomorrow after work, gave him a hug, and we said our love you’s and goodnights.

I walked outside in the quiet of the night, thinking about my exam, our trip, Sam driving home so late, the fact that Dad needed some bathroom supplies, those Freddie’s fries that did me in… As I approached the car, I was at the perfect angle to look up to the 2nd floor window and see if Dad had called it a night, too.

There he was, standing at the window, watching me walk to my car.

I waved big. He waved back.

Oh, how I wish I had a camera to capture that moment.

And I cried all the way home, so, so grateful.

That might come in handy sometime.

Posted by

1

I was vacuuming this morning before work, getting ready for my family to arrive tonight for the weekend. I didn’t have time – I needed to get my breakfast and situate at my desk for the day, but…cat hair. Anyway, I was vacuuming this morning before work. There was glaring evidence that I really should also clean the wood floors, but, eh. It’s family – they won’t care.

I got to the kitchen and was maneuvering around chairs and rugs, and I almost didn’t notice, because it has been there so long. I purchased a rug for my Dad’s new apartment in June, and it was shipped around this long cardboard tube. You don’t just throw away a 5 foot long cardboard tube! That might come in handy sometime!

So, it has been propped up against the wall in the kitchen since June.

I am grateful for things that might come in handy sometime, because they might come in handy sometime.

I am grateful for memories of talking to grandchildren on the other end of cardboard tubes, because I am pretty sure that is the only thing those cardboard tubes are good for – that, and bonking each other on the head.

I am grateful for a vacuum cleaner and the ability and desire to push one.

And I am grateful for family that doesn’t care!

However, if they DO care about my less than clean wood floors…where’s that cardboard tube that will come in handy, ’cause someone’s about to get bonked.

Junior.

Posted by

1

Last night, I attended my first night of “in person” class at KU. As I was filling out a form to share a bit about myself with other classmates, it felt so good to answer the question, What level/year in school?

I am a junior, thank you very much. OLD junior, but junior, none the less.

I loved every minute of the two hour class, soaking in the experience, the professor’s words, the short discussion with three classmates who are now my Group 4 for the semester – I even loved the nervousness of not knowing how to digitally function in an actual classroom without the comfort of a notebook and pen, and stepping into an all-gender restroom that is now standard on campus.

I entered college behind the 8 ball back in 1983. I was not prepared, and I did not make good choices. Those choices delayed my re-education by a few decades. But God used those years to prepare me for this season of life, where my enthusiasm and desire to try again is overflowing.

When class was over and I loaded up my laptop and walked out into the soup of the evening, my first thought was, “I want to call Mom and tell her all about this!” She would listen enthusiastically and be really interested and happy along with me.

When I got home, I did the next best – I called DAD. And he was the perfect Mom substitute. He listened enthusiastically and was really interested and happy with me.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.” – Lamentations 3:22-24 (NIV)

I fall back on that passage of scripture a lot. It fits.

I am so grateful today to finally be a junior, even if it is at KU.

Side note: I am also so grateful today that we have season tickets to our KState games where I can wear purple with pride!

I am so grateful today that I have a partner who encouraged and continues to encourage me to pursue my lifelong dream of obtaining this degree, even if it takes me YEARS. I am on the road and in the lane. Sam called me yesterday just to tell me how proud he is of me and he wants me to keep going and get that Masters. Slow down, pep squad…

I am so grateful today that I can pursue this degree a few classes at a time, so the bank account can handle lots of small shocks over time, rather than all at once.

I am so grateful today that I can still call Dad and he is there to listen, as he always has been.

I am so grateful today for the opportunity to sit in a class that is so diverse – I can feel my mind and heart stretching and it is so good.

I am so grateful today for the reminder, yet again, that it is never too late to learn, to start over, to try again, and begin again.

I am no longer my past self. I am a JUNIOR, in school, and in this life season. For that, I am so very grateful.

“…I’m realizing that Christian growth is all about transformation – a lifelong process. Some of the knots from my past are very hard to untie, especially those that involve people who continue to hurt me. Instead of obsessing about how to fix things, I need to keep turning toward You – seeking Your Face and Your will. As I wait with You, help me to relax and trust in Your timing for smoothing out my tangled-up places. Show me how to live with unresolved problems without letting them distract me from You. I rejoice that Your abiding Presence is my portion – and my boundless blessing! – August 23, Jesus Listens by Sarah Young

Pinch.

Posted by

0

Waves of emotions today.

It started early, before the sun rose, in my trying-to-stay-asleep-but-knowing-it-is-past-time-to-get-up phase. My woman mind was swimming with all the things.

Not good, not healthy.

And then when I finally decided to start the day, the day that had already begun with thoughts that were less than, I received an emotional pinch. Pinch is slightly less than gut-punch but none-the-less inwardly painful. Not childhood pinched. Adult pinched nerve pinched.

It was the pinch reminder that all things are not really rosy and fine. The reminder that there is still baggage, still unspoken things swept under the rug. Like a favorite vase with a crack that has been sealed but is still visible.

That pinch was like Peter on the water, doubting, taking his eyes off the One.

Because when I think, I sink.

I got ready for work under my cloud, told Sam goodbye while he reassured me over and over that it was going to be okay and we will keep swimming and being who we are together, and I made my way to the office, thinking about a particular song.

And I’ll testify of the battles You’ve won
How You were my portion when there wasn’t enough
And I’ll testify of the seas that we’ve crossed
The waters You parted, the waves that I’ve walked

Singing, oh-oh-oh, my God did not fail (Yeah)
Oh-oh-oh, it’s the story I’ll tell
Singing, oh-oh-oh, I know it is well
Oh-oh-oh, it’s the story I’ll tell

After getting settled at my desk, I turned my Michelle desk calendar to August 10 and was gifted with this:

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. (Philippians 4:8 NIV)

I am grateful for good pinches.

I am grateful for a quiet office today where the silence is loud and God can speak.

I am grateful for Sam.

I am grateful for God’s complete forgiveness and the way He has parted waters and held my hand through it all.

I am grateful my Dad is just down the street and I have the privilege of seeing him every day.

I am grateful for waves.

I am grateful to be like my mama, letting the emotions flow, wearing them on my sleeve.

I am grateful to be reminded this morning how far we’ve come.

I am grateful this story is still being written.

And I am grateful that just as waves crash, they also dissipate and all is well once again.

The life I have left.

Posted by

1

We were driving Trail Ridge Road last month, a very familiar road to us and one we have driven multiple times each year for the past ten years or so. 2020 was devastating in so many ways, and adding to the lifechanging and history-making bullet points was the East Troublesome fire that swept through our favorite get-away, Grand Lake, Colorado. Almost 194,000 acres and everything on them were destroyed in the fire.

So, as we were once again driving in the National Forest and entered the re-birth of the area, Sam slowed down so we could pause and take it all in, quietly reflecting on the way it had been compared to the way it is now. He said something that has not left my thoughts since…

“I will not see these trees replaced in the life I have left.”

oof.

I have not been able to get that out of my mind since. When he said it, it was so somber, but yet it was so true. And it has made me think about how many things I may not ever see again. I have lived more years now than years I have left, and how many things, or people, have I seen that I will never see again?

I shall pass this way but once; any good that I can do or any kindness I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.

– Etienne de Grellet, a Quaker missionary

I am grateful for stark reality that punches in the gut and causes reflection.

I am grateful that God not only restores my soul, He restores his creation.

I am grateful for the privilege and opportunities we have had to visit beautiful places on repeat.

I am grateful for Sam and the years God has given and continues to give to him, to us.

I am grateful that at every turn, God gives me opportunities to do good and show kindness, and when I neglect to do so, His mercy is new every morning, and He gives me a new day to try again, with the life I have left.

I am grateful for wildflowers.

I am grateful for the beauty of trees in full color.

And I am grateful for the message of death trees that remain standing, showing evidence of their existence, their trauma, and their strength.

John Jangle Oppenheimer woah.

Posted by

0

My thoughts and actions are so insignificant compared to the minds God created that have shaped our world. We walked out of that movie on Sunday night, mind blown and resolving to see it again, just to untangle all the information swimming in our heads.

All I have to figure out is how many Skotcheroos to make for tonight’s Bingo group. And my world was slightly disrupted yesterday when I had to go home to meet the satellite tech guy after an appointment was made so he could show me how to use one remote instead of two, just to turn the smart tv on.

I say it quite often, and I will say it again: I am so glad I am not in charge of the world. However, we would all be eating Skotcheroos and picking up Bingo markers off the floor rather than blowing each other up. There is that.

I am grateful today that although I feel very insignificant at times, I know I matter to a handful.

I am grateful for Thursdays with my Bingo bunch who always make me feel significant and eat whatever I bring.

I am grateful for a decent grade in Ethics and the internal “last day of class” feeling as we sat in the movie theater and watched the culmination of my summer education on morality or the lack thereof.

And I am grateful for a 4:30 in the morning butterscotch and chocolate sample.