I am grateful for three pairs of socks, two layers of pants, a long-sleeved shirt and a CBA hoodie, a warm coat with a hood, Mom’s gloves, and Sam’s running stocking cap. I was relatively warm this afternoon while shoveling the drive. All I needed was a soft pillow to land on when I fell. Tonight, I am grateful for a soft couch to sit on and a warm fire in the fireplace.

I am grateful for the absence of those anxiety-producing feelings of waiting for my school to scroll across the screen, not wanting to go to work tomorrow and hoping for a snow day… I love my job and don’t mind going to work tomorrow morning in the bone-chilling cold.

I am grateful for my church that doesn’t cancel services for any reason. It was great to bust through the snow in the driveway and make it there a few minutes late this morning.  Great message, and worth the effort.

I am grateful for a budget to work from this year. A good start to fiscal discipline.

I am grateful for a nice day with family yesterday. 

I am grateful for a crowded apartment last night with family all cheering on the Chiefs. 

I am grateful that I do not have a credit card. 

I am grateful to have seen my cardinal friend out the kitchen window again this morning. I’m anxious to get my bird feeder this week.

I am grateful for John and Delbert, Annika and Logan and Quincy. They provided music for us and it was a beautiful gift.

I am grateful to have finished my Jen Hatmaker book and am now moving on to my Max Lucado book.

I am grateful to have sat in the living room last night, seeing Mom’s picture on the computer screen, seeing her empty recliner, and just imagining her in the room with all of us. She would have enjoyed the day with her sister and Johnson family, and would have loved watching football with her husband, kids, and grandchildren.  

I am grateful to be the daughter of a Mom who showed me compassion and understanding. I never doubted her love and support.

I am grateful to be the daughter of the best Dad in the world who still buys roses for the apartment and makes sure we know how much he loves us.  

And I am grateful for the smell of clean sheets.

I am grateful for a crockpot.

I am grateful for a new Max Lucado book to begin reading.

I am grateful for laughter last night at dinner.  I had just turned on Wheel of Fortune, because it is sometimes our routine to eat in the kitchen and watch it during dinner, challenging each other to solve the puzzle first. A commercial was on and it was time to pray. Sam said, “Hurry, we’re gonna miss the puzzle,” and we both cracked up at how ridiculous we are in our little routine. It was my turn to pray, but I couldn’t quit giggling at Sam with his eyes closed, playfully peeking out at the TV to make sure the show hadn’t returned yet. So, he took over and prayed for me. I’m so grateful that God accepts our silliness and loves us anyway.

I am grateful for my strawberry yogurt that I brought for lunch.

I am grateful to have had a little bit of time last night to browse at Mardel, looking for our Christmas gifts for the family reunion tomorrow. I found myself a little birthday present: a reunion necklace that has nothing to do with the family reunion, but everything to do with family reunions…

“Since Heaven has become your home, I sometimes feel I’m so alone;

And though we now are far apart, you hold a big piece of my heart.

 

I never knew how much I’d grieve when it was time for you to leave,

Or just how much my heart would ache from that one fragment you would take.

 

God lets this tender hole remain reminding me we’ll meet again,

And one day all the pain will cease when He restores this missing piece.

 

He’ll turn to joy my every tear and when I wear this necklace near,

It will become my simple way to treasure our Reunion Day.”

I will wear it and think of Mom and my girls and my grandchildren. 

You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them. – Desmond Tutu

I am grateful for an exciting football game to watch last night.

I am grateful for memories of family reunions at the Better Book Room with Uncle Lloyd and Aunt Naomi, out in Haviland in the pink house with Uncle Tommy and Aunt Arlene, memories of the gag gifts for Uncle Eugene and Delbert, going to Eilene’s house with all the stairs, Jane Koger, good times in Colorado and over in Branson during the summers, hearing Uncle Cecil’s laugh that Mark inherited, and all the years at Grandpa and Grandma Johnson’s… 

I am grateful for Jen Hatmaker’s wit and wisdom. I am on the “stress” chapter of her book “7,” and it makes me very grateful that I am in a new chapter of life and my life doesn’t look like hers any longer. 

I am grateful for the smell of green Palmolive dish soap.

I am grateful for the opportunity tomorrow to be with the Johnson family again. I’m not sure how many will be there, but even if it is just a few, I am so grateful for my Mom’s family who values the importance of continuing the annual Christmas reunions. It has become so easy in this day and age to let time pass by and not reconnect with relatives – I am grateful Mom influenced my sister and I to keep this tradition alive.

And I am grateful for the work Mom put into making her enormous family tree posters that she hauled to all of the family reunions. That information and those posters were so important to her.

She always wanted her children to make the effort to go to every reunion. I get it now.

My brother sent this a few days ago, and I have read and re-read it. It goes so well with my church devotions this morning which focused on Colossians 3:12-17:

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company, church, or home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past – we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you. We are in charge of our attitudes!”

I am grateful for my brother, Dwight, who has the BEST attitude, pretty much always.

I am grateful for Valerie, my cousin, who has now started her own grateful blog. Yay, someone else who has discovered the impact of attitude on life, and to be grateful for even the smallest, seemingly insignificant things!

I am grateful for a quiet ending to the first day of the new year with snow falling outside, a warm fire inside, the sound of football on the TV, and the smell of no bake cookies on the counter.

I am grateful to have had time to iron yesterday.

I am grateful for waxed paper.

I am grateful for a “new” devotion book to read this year. Thank you, Dad.

I am grateful for huge year-end success at work resulting in three major placements in the last few days and a bonus today that will help immensely.

I am grateful for Reilly and Parker and the extra soft spot I have for their beautiful family. I am so proud of them all.

I am grateful to have received an email from Roman and for his wonderful news.

I am grateful that we made it a whole year without drinking soda or eating french fries. I miss you, Dr. Pepper and McDonalds/Burger King/Freddy’s/Braum’s fries. I should probably eliminate something else from my list for this year…

I am grateful that hymns play in my mind rather than music that does not benefit me or glorify God. Currently playing:

Bless That Wonderful Name

I am grateful for a car that started this morning in the extreme cold temperature.

I am grateful for time on the phone last night with Dad. He makes me so happy.

I am grateful for the cardinals that were outside the kitchen window yesterday.  Food is coming soon, guys, just hang on a few more days.

I am grateful for a renewed desire to get back in shape and lose some of this weight, but I’m also grateful that I’m okay with me how I am, and if I don’t lose the weight, it’s okay.

And I am grateful for these instructions that are perfect for living in 2014:

^12-14 So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.

^15-17 Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way. – Colossians 3:12-17, The Message

Trust the past to God’s mercy, the present to God’s love, and the future to God’s providence. – Augustine

I am grateful for the opportunity to pray for an adopted grandchild to get to know and love this next year. Maybe, just maybe, God will allow.

I am grateful for the beauty of a swarm of black birds.

I am grateful for time spent with Dad and Dwight over the weekend.

I am grateful for a job to go to every day so that I do not have the opportunity to put myself into a fetal position and wallow in self-pity on these types of days.

I am grateful for the simple pleasure of counting jet trails at sunset.

I am grateful for a phone call from Katrina last night and grateful that she allowed me to hear Parker and Reilly’s voices.

I am grateful for the handful of Christmas cards we received over the weekend.

I am grateful for the beautiful surprise of seeing Delores on Friday evening.

I am grateful for the simple phrase, “Get over it,” that we heard from Joel Osteen on Sunday morning while getting ready for church. 

I am grateful for this simple message that went along with his three word phrase:  A bitter root produces bitter fruit.

Your future is not bigger than God, nor are your limitations larger than His grace.
Your faith in Him means your future is with Him.

I am grateful for memories of Delores and Mom collecting miniatures for their boxes.

I am grateful for the character trait I inherited from Mom – the strong desire to be needed.

I am grateful for this funny youtube video that Dwight shared with us on Friday evening:

Old MacDonald Had a Deformed Farm

I am grateful to have seen my Dad in a new sweater. 

I am grateful that I have an outlet to be grateful so that the bitter root within dies and I can work on getting over it and live the message of Romans 12.

And I am grateful for a new macaroni and cheese recipe that was very, very good, if I say so myself:

Macaroni and Cheese

1 16 oz. package of macaroni noodles, cooked in salt water

At least a pound of medium cheddar cheese

About half a pound of muenster

1 pint of heavy whipping cream

3 eggs, beaten up in the whipping cream

About 1/2 stick of butter (butter is better than margarine)

Boil the macaroni until tender. Taste it and if it’s too salty, just rinse the noodles under running water in a colander.

Melt a couple of tablespoons of butter in the bottom of a large casserole dish, and put one layer of noodles in. Layer about half the cheddar and muenster and a few pats of butter on top. Then add another layer of noodles, more cheese, and a few more pats of butter. Mix the eggs in the whipping cream and pour it over the entire casserole. Dot with any additional butter on top.

Bake uncovered at 375 for about 20 minutes. Check to see if it’s done by sliding the back of a spoon down one side of the casserole. It should be congealed, not runny at all. If it’s still runny, continue to bake and check every 5 minutes until you get that custardy consistency. Serve it hot because it’s not nearly as good if you let the cheese cool too much.

 
Romans 12:14-21, New Living Translation

14 Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. 15 Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!

17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.

19 Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,

20 Instead,

21 Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.

I am grateful for a morning to get things ready to go to Hutchinson this afternoon.

I am grateful for the smell of fresh baked banana bread.

I am grateful for a warm afternoon to ride in the vehicle and enjoy the winter scenery outside the window.

I am grateful for a clean windshield.

I am grateful for new pants that are very comfortable.

I am grateful for a kind UPS delivery man who delivers to the office and to the house.

I am grateful that I am not hooked on daytime TV anymore. Watching those talk shows and court TV shows for even a few minutes now makes me very grateful I no longer fill my mind with the content.

I am grateful for the anticipation of planning Abbie’s birthday party next month. Another huge hole that God is filling in another way that I could have never imagined…

I am grateful that New Year’s Eve will be spent babysitting for three little boys.

I am grateful for lotion for my dry hands.

I am grateful for a McDonalds iced tea this afternoon.

And I am grateful for trash service and the guys who perform this thankless job.

When I first began counseling, I was asked to read the book, “Truefaced – Trust God and Others with Who You Really Are.” It was all about my adult survival skills that included wearing a mask to hide my true self, and the book talked about exactly what I had done my whole adult life. I had chosen to try to please God every step of the way, rather than trust God every step of the way. And because of that, I failed, over and over again. I was never good enough, and no matter how hard I tried, I always felt like a failure. Early on, I began wearing masks. I put on these masks to show the world how Christian I was, how happy I was, how good I was, but on the inside, I was a miserable mess. I am so grateful for this Navigator’s book that was so enlightening and was like a slap in the face – that slap in the face was a good thing.

I am grateful that God directed me to my counselor who has been with me, with us, every step of the way. We were just talking on Christmas Eve about how she has such a way of getting me to see my issues, my sins, my shortcomings, without making me feel completely worthless and condemned. She leads me to realize my tendencies and encourages me to do the right thing, to rely on God, to TRUST God rather than hide behind my old masks. She has been instrumental in holding a mirror up for me to see my true face, and to bare my true self to the world, and she has led me to a place where I can say with confidence, “I’m okay with who I am now.”

All that to say that I am grateful for my devotion this morning:

I am the gift that continuously gives – bounteously, with no strings attached. Unconditional love is such a radical concept that even My most devoted followers fail to grasp it fully. Absolutely nothing in heaven or on earth can cause Me to stop loving you. You may feel more loved when you are performing according to your expectations. But My Love for you is perfect; therefore it is not subject to variation. What does vary is your awareness of My loving Presence.

When you are dissatisfied with your behavior, you tend to feel unworthy of My Love. You may unconsciously punish yourself by withdrawing from Me and attributing the distance between us to My displeasure. Instead of returning to Me and receiving My Love, you attempt to earn My approval by trying harder. All the while, I am aching to hold you in My everlasting arms, to enfold you in My Love. When you are feeling unworthy or unloved, come to Me. Then ask for receptivity to My unfailing Love.

I’ve thrown myself headlong into your arms—I’m celebrating your rescue.
I’m singing at the top of my lungs, I’m so full of answered prayers.
– Psalm 13:5 (The Message)

I am grateful to have remembered this video last night on the way home. Watching this little girl made me think of Parker and Zak, or Reilly and Zak. I hope they had the best Christmas ever…

Sweetest little bedtime song – You Belong to Me.

I just can’t quit listening to her sweet little voice.

I am grateful for Marlene’s kind words yesterday… Hang on. It gets a little easier.

I cried a lot yesterday – sometimes visibly, but constantly throughout the day on the inside. It has carried over some today. I’m still working on not letting my emotions get the best of my mood/tude. I can so easily slip into depression and dwell on the sadness and loss. Which is why, although I am EXTREMELY grateful for a DVD I received in the mail on Christmas Eve from Parker and Reilly and their parents, I cannot watch it just yet. I need to be alone where I can just cry for as long as I want.

I am grateful for little shiny confetti that has fallen off the artwork that was in the envelope with the DVD, and for a beautiful one-of-a-kind signature that spells P-A-R-K-E-R.

I am grateful for acceptance.

I am grateful that I was able to talk to Steve yesterday. He sounded so good.

I am grateful for cardinals and hummingbirds and bluejays and finches and orioles and all of the memories of Mom and Dad feeding their birds. I think I will save some money next month and make that a birthday present for myself – a bird feeder, so that I can feed Mom’s birds. It’s been quite a while since I last saw a cardinal.

I am grateful for memories of getting a parakeet for Christmas when I was a little girl.

I am grateful for memories of our canary that we had in Eagle Pass. She sang the most beautiful songs in the mornings although she drove our cat, Topo, wild.

I am grateful for Dwight’s email yesterday, another reason for my tears. Here is part of his beautiful gratefuls:

“On my very messy desk, laying right in the middle, are a few sets of tubing made for use with oxygen for patients. They are left over from the supplies for Mom. I am grateful for the daily reminder of her struggles to breathe, and the look on her face when she would feel that oxygen enter her body.

I am grateful for a job that involves helping to provide that oxygen for people to breathe. For over 30 years, I have made the comment that if I wanted an assembly line job, I would have moved to Detroit. Now, I sort of have an assembly line job. It might not be what I dreamed of as the “perfect” job. However, it does seem to be a good fit. On the days that it does not seem to be fitting as well, I am grateful for the desire to change me so that I fit better, rather than trying to change a large corporation to fit me. That simple change in perspective is what prevents the majority of my co-workers from enjoying their day at work.

I am grateful that people bring their children shopping at Target. While working there last Sunday, I had the opportunity to watch parents stressing over some fairly idiotic last minute Christmas shopping, and also watching kids who were completely oblivious to that stress. I chose to focus on those kids, and loved getting smiles from them.

In an hour, we will be leaving to go spend the day with my Dad. I am grateful to have that luxury, and opportunity.

While spending the day with Dad, we will be surrounded by reminders of Mom, and I am grateful for each and every one of them.

In case you can’t tell, I miss Mom. I look forward to one day teasing her again, about having two pairs of mismatched slippers.”

I am grateful that I have memories of shopping for Christmas clothes for Anissa, Andrae and Annistan last year, sending their Mommy pictures in the store so I would get the right outfits. It was hard to walk past the children’s department this year, and I don’t think it will ever get easier. But I am grateful for the memories.

And I am grateful for sugar cookies.

Those are words that I miss today. 

Knocking on the door, waiting with anticipation for the sounds of those footsteps almost running to open it, and then seeing Mom’s face and eyes sparkle as she growled/squealed/demanded, “Get in here!” followed by her attempt to “squeeze our guts out,” as she and Dad always described it.  It was always such a wonderful feeling to “come home” on Christmas Day. I miss her decorations, her spread of food covering the table adorned with the signature tablecloth, using the china for Christmas dinner, her insistence that the family get together and making sure that everyone was welcome at their table, relish plates, and although I never ate them, her cinnamon rings that she had to make every year, her peanut brittle that was sometimes a little burnt but always made with love, and even though we never had a fireplace, I miss her dryer lint egg carton gifts she gave to everyone who could use them.

I am grateful for memories of this day.

I am grateful that our family is a game-playing family, and I am grateful for memories of SkipBo, Oh No 99, Compatability, the Name Game, Rook, Dominoes, Curses, Golf, Phase 10, and Bananagrams.

I am grateful for Pegues gold coins that Dad always gave to Angela and I. 

I am grateful for being able to imagine my grandchildren’s excitement on Christmas morning now that they are a little older.

I am grateful for reenactments of the Christmas story by the girls when they were little.

i am grateful for Christmas sweaters with cardinals on them.

i am grateful for the small handful of Christmas cards that we have received this year, and for the joy it gives me inside to see “Sam and Rhonda Scofield” on the envelopes. Mom would have written about it in her 2013 Christmas family poem, I’m sure.

I am grateful to have spent an hour and a half with 17 three year olds last night while their parents heard the message of Christmas. 

I am grateful to have spent six hours at church last night volunteering during the services and seeing so many people spend their Christmas Eve in worship.

I am grateful that my brother and his family are with my Dad today.

I am grateful for a quiet day to grieve and reminisce.

Merry Christmas, Mom, Dad, Karissa, Katrina, and the rest of my family. I miss you and wish I could squeeze your guts out today.