10 years ago today, we were all there, gathered in a small apartment on the 9th floor, waiting in the heaviness of the moments, hanging on to our memories and feeling numb.

Mom and Dad had just celebrated their 62nd wedding anniversary 8 days earlier, Dad by her side, Mom unable to communicate any longer.

10 years ago today, we all stood around her hospital bed in the living room, and we watched as she took her last breath on earth and entered Heaven.

10 years.

120 months.

3653 days.

87, 660 hours.

God has the last word on death. And, if you listen, he will tell you the truth about your loved ones. They’ve been dismissed from the hospital called Earth. You and I still roam the halls, smell the medicines, and eat green beans and Jell-O off plastic trays. They, meanwhile, enjoy picnics, inhale springtime, and run through knee-high flowers. You miss them like crazy, but can you deny the truth? They have no pain, doubt, or struggle. They really are happier in Heaven. And you won’t see them soon? When you drop your kids off at school, do you weep as though you’ll never see them again? When you drop your spouse at the store and park the car, do you bid a final forever farewell? No. When you say, “I’ll see you soon,” you mean it. When you stand in the cemetery and stare down at the soft, freshly turned earth and promise, I’ll see you soon, you speak truth. Reunion is a splinter of an eternal moment away. There is no need for you to “grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13 NIV) So go ahead, face your grief. Give yourself time. Permit yourself tears. God understands. He knows the sorrow of the grave, He buried his son. But He also knows the joy of resurrection. And, by his power, you will too.

Max Lucado From Facing Your Giants and the chapter entitled Unspeakable Grief

I am grateful for the grief pain that I still feel, 10 years later. Mom always needed to be needed, and I still need her today. So does Dad, I just know.

I am grateful for a video my daughter shared with me last week.

I know Mom would love the lives we all live now. She would be happy that Dad is here, taking good care of himself and still doing his own laundry and keeping his apartment clean and smelling so good. I know she would be so happy he is a member of Winchester Friends Meeting. I know she would LOVE that Dad and all her kids worship together every Sunday with her favorite pastors who happen to be her son and daughter in law. I know she would be the biggest supporter of Ron and Pam and the food pantry and would beam with pride as she showed their messages and writings to everyone who walked through the door. I know she would feel such peace knowing Dwight and Marlene are in their happy place and doing so well. I know she would be so proud that Angela is still fighting the fight of the unseen and marginalized. She would plan and scheme and bake and shop, preparing for visits from her grandchildren and have a refrigerator completely covered in great grandchildren pictures – her eyes would sparkle at the mention of any of their names.

And I know she would be happy that I made it through the storm and am still playing my piano. She would be my cheerleader as I begin this quest to complete my degree, just like she did at this age.

I am grateful that this day falls on a Thursday, so I can grieve while I play the piano tonight and think of Mom.

10 years. A decade.

“Reunion is a splinter of an eternal moment away.” I’ll see you soon, Mom.

I am so tired, but it is a good tired.

I am so blessed, and it is an overwhelming blessed.

I am so full, and it is cake full.

I am so grateful.

Birthdays are hard for me. I tend to turtle and take on all the feelings. I don’t know why it is. Maybe it is because I am not with my girls, and Karissa shares my day as her birthday, too. I tend to miss my Mom a lot on my birthday, and that emotion began on Tuesday.

My co-workers celebrated my birthday on Tuesday during our lunch meeting and one of the miniature cakes on the table was a red velvet, the cake my Mom always made me for my birthdays. Tears formed, and I felt an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness. My work friends made me feel very loved with gifts and laughter and a sense of close-knit family-ness.

I came home on Tuesday evening to a beautiful arrangement of two dozen red roses on the kitchen island and that wonderful husband who knows how much flowers mean to me. After dinner, I made myself some red velvet cupcakes, thinking of the many years Mom had made my cake. I had to get my 5 miles in, so I went downstairs to get on the treadmill, and I discovered a new TV installed on the wall so I can watch my early morning news when I do my walking indoors. A yellow post-it note was on it: “Happy Birthday, Sweetheart.” Sam is simply the best.

A small stack of birthday cards were waiting for me on Wednesday morning, alongside a small gift bag from Michelle. I packed them all up and took them to work to open when I was ready for a “party of one.” Cami brought me a chai latte fancy drink with my first ever cake pop – how have I lived 58 years and never had a cake pop?! – and Karen surprised me with a very generous gift card from another favorite place.

Mid morning, my sister suggested we meet for lunch at one of my favorite little restaurants, just like we did last year. I agreed but also invited my husband and my Dad, and the four of us enjoyed an Andre’s lunch, an unexpected impromptu gift from Dad when he grabbed the bill. Andre’s, two years in a row on my birthday, so I think Angela and I now have a new tradition…

I left work early to attend KU Transfer Student Orientation. Nerves were on point, but after listening to what I am getting myself into, I now have nerves and a little excitement, too. The birthday ended at our favorite carry-out Chinese place, except that we didn’t carry out – we ate there so we could visit a little with our employee friend, Alice. It wasn’t a fancy or romantic dinner, but it is us, and that is what I love. Sam, Rhonda, and Melvin.

I thought the birthday was over. But tonight, when I walked into Dad’s building to play piano and call Bingo, my normal Thursday evening routine, my piano and Bingo friends were there with a party in store. There were cakes and treats and ice cream in the kitchen, friends in the lobby, gifts and cards and a large arrangement of the most beautiful pink roses, Jeannine’s first design, with help from Cheryl, the former florist. Angela joined all of us tonight, so I did what bratty little sisters do best, and I made her play Beatles duets with me on the piano while everyone listened to us “practice.” We ended piano time with Happy Birthday to January Birthdays, Happy Birthday to YOU, and then on to Bingo excitement.

I love this group of people. I love my circle. I love that Dad had this little request once upon a time, that I come and play our piano when Marilyn could no longer play, and because of that request, I now have the most wonderful circle. I love that Sam joined us tonight even though he always has other things to do. I love that Dad is always present even though he always declines playing Bingo. I love that David sometimes joins us for piano time and inserts the best wit and Dad jokes. I love that everyone loves my sister – she brightens up every room she enters. I love that Christy and Daisy always make me feel very loved. I love that Pedro wears Chiefs gear always and is collecting all the $2 bills he wins during Bingo. I love that Beth calls Sam “the Grinch” and is so quick-witted. I love that Fran is Mom2 and always gives me a hug. I love that Susan gives me a hard time during Bingo and sings along when I play the piano. I love that Cynthia is always excited about the possibility of winning Blackout and smells so good with the best perfume. I love that Pearl saved her corn casserole leftovers just for me. I love that Jeannine always chooses Bingo cards with an 11 on them and brings me hot tea when I arrive. I love that Eveline makes eye contact with me when she didn’t hear the number clearly, and she makes the best treats. I love that Diana is a ball of fun and sings like Whitney Houston, even voicemailing me her rendition of “Happy Birthday” for me to treasure forever. I love that Cheryl works so hard to bring back activities for all the residents and sends me “chapter texts” full of the love of Jesus. I love that they all love my Daddy. These are my regulars, but there are several others who sometimes play and sometimes don’t. I love that each week is different, but it is always my favorite day. Even when it isn’t my birthday.

I am so grateful.

I am grateful for a huge, soft, comfortable hoodie to wear on a work from home day.

I am grateful for a more than passing grade on this first week of trying to do better.

I am grateful for 40 miles of walking in 6 days.

I am grateful for one college class paid and for the anticipation of beginning next week.

I am grateful for a beautiful home.

I am grateful for a vacuum cleaner.

I am grateful for the sweetest basketball video of my junior Globetrotter grandchildren.

I am also grateful for videos of my flautist granddaughter blowing me away with her GIFT.

I am grateful for the best new cookbook – now, I just need to organize and plan.

I am grateful for full moons.

And I am grateful to be in the palm of His hand.

Reflect. Resolve. Recharge.

Now two days in to the new year, I have turned the page. I just need to keep turning the pages rather than get stuck on the same chapter or re-read the past chapters.

Lots of people choose a word to focus on their new year. I thought about joining that team, but it really isn’t who I am.

Lots of people make resolutions, and overwhelmingly, those resolutions are out the window before the month is over. I know resolutions do not stick. So I do my best to avoid them.

However. Every January 1, I reflect and then resolve to recharge. And this year is no different.

I have been reflecting on what I need to change.

• I talk about others, and it is not always kind.

• I mindlessly scroll on my phone too much, and it is not always productive.

• I stopped walking and caring about what I eat, and my body shows the lack of focus.

• I do not spend enough time in the Word or in prayer, and my soul is parched.

These four things are easily remedied. Easily. I just need to acknowledge and then resolve to do better.

Sam I am wants to get back to in-person 7:30 am Sunday morning church and wants to read one book a month.

Two days in, I would grade us at about 90%.

In the last 36 hours or so, I have walked about 15 miles, I have not talked about others, I have done better with food, I have spent some dedicated time in prayer, and we were in church and on the “front row” by 7:28 am.

His mercies are new every morning, and tomorrow is a new day to keep resolving to recharge.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. – Saint Francis of Assisi

Tonight, as I watch the suspended NFL game coverage, I am reminded to be grateful.

I am grateful for my health.

I am grateful for the sound of the rain outside, while I sit in a warm house and watch a fire in the fireplace.

I am grateful for sore muscles.

I am grateful for fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies, Lori Mendenhall’s recipe she gave me 30+ years ago.

I am grateful my Dad is doing so well.

I am grateful that football teams go to their knees in prayer and acknowledge the need for God’s intervention.

I am grateful for a quiet Christmas and New Year and for the blessing of long weekends and days off from work to focus on the reflecting, resolving, and recharging.

I am grateful for a new exhaust fan above my oven.

I am grateful for the simple joy two cats bring to this home.

I am grateful for a son who loves to read.

I am grateful for a hockey game first.

I am grateful for my brother and sister-in-law pastors and their influence in our lives.

I am grateful for family that loves to laugh and for a recycle dumpster for all the unnecessary boxes that were part of Adam’s exchange gift, a small pocket knife…

I am grateful for the opportunity to volunteer every Monday with our church food mobile and every Thursday at Dad’s apartment complex.

I am no longer my own, but yours.
Put me to what you will, place me with whom you will.
Put me to doing, put me to suffering.
Let me be put to work for you or set aside for you,
Praised for you or criticized for you.
Let me be full, let me be empty.
Let me have all things, let me have nothing.
I freely and fully surrender all things to your glory and service.
And now, O wonderful and holy God,
Creator, Redeemer, and Sustainer, 
you are mine, and I am yours.
So be it.
And the covenant which I have made on earth,
Let it also be made in heaven.  Amen. – John Wesley’s Covenant Prayer

Reflect. Resolve. Recharge. Triple re.