Early morning: I am sitting in the waiting room while Sam has pictures taken of his entire insides. We look forward to these days while at the same time we dread these days.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble.
– Psalm 46:1

Sam took a nice long break from chemo treatments this fall so he could help the family with corn and soybean harvest. Tradition that grounds him, makes him feel normal, productive, helpful. But long breaks from chemo are a mixed bag of wonderful and scary and always with the gut-wrenching feeling of “it must come to an end…”

God is our refuge and strength,  always ready to help in times of trouble.
– Psalm 46:1

He hasn’t looked forward to this day. In fact, he has vocally, physically, mentally, and emotionally dreaded it. Until you have walked in his shoes, I don’t think ANY of us understand. I do my best to empathize and let him unload, but I cannot help…

God is our refuge and strength, a help always near in times of great trouble.
– Psalm 46:1

Morning: Doctor appointment is over, and Sam is still the rock star he always has been. Labs were great, he looks great, and the oncologist addressed the troublesome side effects of a body in battle, so next stop is to get back on the horse.

He is riding this ride today in a quiet atmosphere, attempting to sleep away the journey that will last all day long. The rhythm of the pump lulls… Occasionally, his kind nurse steps into the cubicle to check on him, the pump, the tubing, the beeps. She silently dotes on this regular traveler making sure his blanket is warm enough, making sure he is comfortable. Although we know the journey well and expectations remain as usual, we still wonder what the scans will show.

God is our protection and source of strength.
He is always ready to help us in times of trouble.
– Psalm 46:1

Mid-day:

I am grateful today for a quiet cubicle, light turned off, the cold and cloudy day just beyond the large plate glass windows.

I am grateful Sam is sleeping.

I am grateful for the inventor of the “Hey, let’s HEAT these blankets for patients.”

I am grateful for recliners that recline.

I am grateful for my new laptop so that I can work from anywhere, and I am grateful for hospital wi-fi.

I am grateful for first thing in the morning long hugs, for mid-day shoulder squeezes and “I love you’s”, for in the dark of the night hands held.

I am grateful for incredible, compassionate nurses and medical assistants, and the best oncologist who takes time, shares his personal life with us, and offers reassurance and levity in the middle of anxiety and trepidation.

I am grateful for a bathroom right next to this cubicle, and I am grateful for wheels on the bottom of the pump cart/tree thingy.

I am grateful for a phone call with Katrina last night.

I am grateful that Sam can receive this care even in the middle of a pandemic, and I am especially grateful that his cancer center care team takes the pandemic seriously, which makes me extremely grateful they still allow one visitor per patient so I can be with him today.

I am grateful I am not hungry right now because someone’s cafeteria lunch in the next cubicle does not smell so good.

I am grateful for Sam’s constant “I’m sorry I am putting you through this…” his heart is so huge.

I am grateful for masks that protect us from the deadly and conceal faces made that probably shouldn’t be made.

And I am grateful that as we wait for results, we can rest, knowing that:

God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him.
– Psalm 46:1