I am grateful tonight that I am now freeeeee of my PICC line and midline and antibiotic infusions, and 7 weeks later, I am healed and working my way back to a healthy lower left leg without staph!

I wonder if my girls would mind me sending 14,000 saline syringes to all the grandkids to play “doctor’s office.” I could be their supplier for the next year or two.

Early morning: I am sitting in the waiting room while Sam has pictures taken of his entire insides. We look forward to these days while at the same time we dread these days.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble.
– Psalm 46:1

Sam took a nice long break from chemo treatments this fall so he could help the family with corn and soybean harvest. Tradition that grounds him, makes him feel normal, productive, helpful. But long breaks from chemo are a mixed bag of wonderful and scary and always with the gut-wrenching feeling of “it must come to an end…”

God is our refuge and strength,  always ready to help in times of trouble.
– Psalm 46:1

He hasn’t looked forward to this day. In fact, he has vocally, physically, mentally, and emotionally dreaded it. Until you have walked in his shoes, I don’t think ANY of us understand. I do my best to empathize and let him unload, but I cannot help…

God is our refuge and strength, a help always near in times of great trouble.
– Psalm 46:1

Morning: Doctor appointment is over, and Sam is still the rock star he always has been. Labs were great, he looks great, and the oncologist addressed the troublesome side effects of a body in battle, so next stop is to get back on the horse.

He is riding this ride today in a quiet atmosphere, attempting to sleep away the journey that will last all day long. The rhythm of the pump lulls… Occasionally, his kind nurse steps into the cubicle to check on him, the pump, the tubing, the beeps. She silently dotes on this regular traveler making sure his blanket is warm enough, making sure he is comfortable. Although we know the journey well and expectations remain as usual, we still wonder what the scans will show.

God is our protection and source of strength.
He is always ready to help us in times of trouble.
– Psalm 46:1

Mid-day:

I am grateful today for a quiet cubicle, light turned off, the cold and cloudy day just beyond the large plate glass windows.

I am grateful Sam is sleeping.

I am grateful for the inventor of the “Hey, let’s HEAT these blankets for patients.”

I am grateful for recliners that recline.

I am grateful for my new laptop so that I can work from anywhere, and I am grateful for hospital wi-fi.

I am grateful for first thing in the morning long hugs, for mid-day shoulder squeezes and “I love you’s”, for in the dark of the night hands held.

I am grateful for incredible, compassionate nurses and medical assistants, and the best oncologist who takes time, shares his personal life with us, and offers reassurance and levity in the middle of anxiety and trepidation.

I am grateful for a bathroom right next to this cubicle, and I am grateful for wheels on the bottom of the pump cart/tree thingy.

I am grateful for a phone call with Katrina last night.

I am grateful that Sam can receive this care even in the middle of a pandemic, and I am especially grateful that his cancer center care team takes the pandemic seriously, which makes me extremely grateful they still allow one visitor per patient so I can be with him today.

I am grateful I am not hungry right now because someone’s cafeteria lunch in the next cubicle does not smell so good.

I am grateful for Sam’s constant “I’m sorry I am putting you through this…” his heart is so huge.

I am grateful for masks that protect us from the deadly and conceal faces made that probably shouldn’t be made.

And I am grateful that as we wait for results, we can rest, knowing that:

God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him.
– Psalm 46:1

A little over a week ago, we took a road trip. As we drove the miles between Kansas City and Winchester, Indiana, I watched the changing colors of the trees and thought about the last time I was in a vehicle on an extended drive with my Dad, my brother, and my sister. I couldn’t remember the last time.

But I could remember road trips as a little girl with this family of mine – Daddy driving and letting us sit on his lap and pretend we were driving, too; or sitting in the middle of the backseat with Angela on one side and Dwight on the other, driving to church, Mom’s overpowering perfume giving me a headache; being nervous when Dwight or Angela was the driver; all of us singing “Horsey, Horsey on your way…” in a round or “I love you, a bushel and a peck,” as the miles went by; hearing Mom yell “Hold’er Knute, we’re headed for the pea patch!” if the car turned a corner really sharp and we all slid to the left into the poor person next to the door.

This time, Dad was in the back seat with Dwight or Angela, and Sam and I were in the front. Dad was as quiet as he always was when we were children, and I find myself wondering a lot what he must be thinking in his quiet.

Sam hatched an idea a month or so ago to take this road trip. “Dad needs to see Ron and Pam, and so do we.” I had never been to their home, and it was time to get there, since they have been there for over 20 years.

It was a fast, four day trip – probably too many hours in a vehicle for Dad, but Dad being Dad, he never complained once. We had two rules – well, I had two rules – no talking politics on the trip since we all have varying opinions and are dead set in our leanings, and the vehicle would stop every 90 minutes whether we needed a stop or not.

It was such a peaceful, wonderful ride for me. Family feels secure and stable. Family is foundational. My family is my safety net. These are the people who check in, who support, who love me no matter what, who pick me up when I am down – and these are the ones who made Sam a part of our family and have loved him from day one.

Our weekend happened too fast, but there are many memories made for which I am grateful:

• Silence before Ron’s prayer at the table – it was so very reverent and the presence of the Holy Spirit was surrounding us
• Seeing our Zoom church in person – the windows, the organ and piano, the history…
• Pam’s food – she is my Ina Garten
• Riding in the vehicle with all of us, including Pam and Ron – seeing the houses and farms of our Zoom Friends and hearing the history firsthand
• Stories and memories shared around the table
• Meeting Friends who have prayed for us for months and years – Shirley, Ellene, Ellen, Marsha, Mary, Jeff, Cleo, Suzanne, Debra, Tom, and on and on and on
• Playing hymns with my sister again – Angela on the organ, Rhonda on the piano
• Watching Sam sit in a pew and listening to him sing those hymns at the top of his lungs
• Watching my Dad sitting in a pew just listening to our impromptu, mistake-ridden concert
• Eating Pam’s popcorn in the parlor while watching our Chiefs lose for the first time
• Having a family Zoom call with most of us sitting in the same room
• Finally getting to see the food pantry and the solar panels and the compassion garden
• Listening to my brother and sister-in-law in person as they led their congregation in worship – their hearts are golden, their lives are sacrificial, and they are the STANDARD and such role model pastors who actually PASTOR their church members
• Laughing at Ron’s college stories of pranks – his “halo” tilted just a teeny tiny bit
• The hard-to-swallow, blink away the tears moment when we had to say goodbye

There are so many more memories that were made, but I just want to remember and acknowledge how very grateful I am for my family.

I am so very grateful Sam had the idea and made it happen.

I am so very grateful Angela could take off work or work in the vehicle, and Dwight just happened to have an injury that kept him from working so he could ride in an SUV all the way to Indiana, and Dad was available and willing to let us kidnap him for the weekend and make him sit in the SUV for 9 hours each way.

I am so very grateful Pam and Ron were home and not in DC and were able to adjust their weekend to accommodate our invasion.

I am so very grateful God placed ME in this Ferguson family.

And I am grateful that I haven’t lost all those childhood memories and that I had the opportunity to revisit them, from the FRONT seat and not in the backseat between Dwight and Angela.

A meadowlark’s singing on a fence in the stillness of a sun setting

Hearing Sam pull into the circle drive on the ATV

Anjalie’s laugh, Lori K’s laugh, Katrina’s laugh

Crinkling = the crinkle of a new sheet of aluminum foil, or gift wrap tissue paper being stuffed into a bag, or a new bag of Lay’s being opened, or a pile of brown leaves as I step on them, or the long, white, slender pharmacy sack that holds relief and healing inside

The contented purring that lets me know they like me and want my love

“I’m okay but I’ll get over it.” – Dad

Chris Botti’s trumpet that just puts me in a mood

Children squealing and laughing across the street at the park while I sit at my desk in the silence of a big house

The boom of the cannon heard all over town when our high school football team scores, as long as I am home and not in the stands where it startles me every time even though I expect it

“Ca’mone, ca’mone” – my sister during a ballgame

A perfectly tuned piano

The sweet thump when patting a baby’s diaper

Voices of Resurrection and Brooklyn Tabernacle choirs

“Ama, I’m YOUR kid!” – Ande and Anjalie

The pops and crackles of a really nice fire in the fireplace

Ripe wheat stalks being blown in the breeze

Cheryl Jefferson Bell’s prayers

Windchimes, deep and low

“Home again, home again, ziggity zag.” – Sam, as we pull into the driveway

Leaves skittering down the street

I am counting them all today, and they just keep coming to mind.

• A neighbor who cleaned our AirBnbs while I could not and left warm, just-baked banana bread at our door
• The boss friend who sent enough food to feed the town – snacks, pulled pork, lasagna, Harry & David shipments…
• A co-worker who ordered barbecue for us one evening and had the local florist deliver it
• My first “standing up” shower without a shower chair…since September 8!
• The sister who sacrificed her long weekend to come take care of me and clean my house and cook meals
• Walking – it is so under rated
• Cats who bring me gifts that jump and are green – it’s the thought that counts
• October blue sky
• Hearing from my Aunt Estalene
• My Dad who called me so I could listen to my piano being played at the apartment complex
• A sweet friend who showed up with lunch and jellybeans and emptied my dishwasher and cleaned up my kitchen
• A little less nausea during infusions
• Friends across town who left dinner on our porch
• Sutures gone…and a leg unwrapped for the first time since September 9
• A co-worker who let me borrow her mother-in-law’s walker that is now the cats’ favorite way to ride around the house
• New pajamas so I don’t have to wear a big t-shirt any longer
• Foster son’s visit that did my heart good
• My work family who put together a care package that included a box of beautiful personalized gratefuls just for my encouragement, potato soup, and lots of homemade egg bites to make my re-entry into the kitchen easier
• Get well cards and get well flowers and get well awesomest plant
• Cards from people I have not met in person but know so well thanks to Zoom
• Cool nights and mornings
• Spending a work day NOT in bed but in the sunroom on this cool October first day, with sunshine on my shoulders that makes me happy
• Getting to know all the nurses at our local hospital
• A brother who sacrificed his weekend to come and help Sam do Sam things
• A very nice physical therapist who allowed me to conquer my first time going upstairs since September 8 – I wanted to cry I was so happy for painful progress, and TONIGHT, I get to sleep in MY BED
• A dear friend nurse who sacrificed her whole weekend to drive five hours to take care of me, let me borrow a walker and shower chair for these rehab weeks, made meals and packaged them in small containers for freezing so we would have plenty for the weeks ahead, deep cleaned every square inch of this house, and played the part of Mother Knows Best
• Our church families in KC and in Winchester who are praying and letting us know continually that they are praying
• Sam’s outlook and energy when he is off chemo and feeling good
• Feeling like I have turned a corner and normalcy is returning
• New mums
• A best friend box that arrived this week with 30 wrapped gifts, one for every day, so my soul is satiated and my days have a reminder that I am loved all the way to Oregon
• The feeling of being covered like a blanket with prayer…from Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Indiana, Missouri, and Oregon
• Knowing His healing, experiencing His favor