I find myself, these days, in a daze.

A lack of focus one day, unable to carry out a simple task, distracted by random thoughts that then morph into an hour gone by with nothing accomplished.

This can be followed by an obsessed focus on cancer research and alternative therapies another day, needing to know all the things right now, because time is fleeting.

And in the middle of it all, I beat myself up internally, because my Savior, my Father, is here with me, in the background, just waiting for me to acknowledge His Presence, His ever present help in times of trouble. And the gifts He continues to give to me are given without thanks, without response, without focused gratitude. I hear others around me verbally express their thanksgiving, the things they are learning from scripture, the insight gained from study and reflection, and the more I hear, the worse I feel, because I am not “measuring up” as a follower of Christ.

This morning, I read from my David Jeremiah/Aunt Patsy Uncle Charlie/Dad devotion: “As we mature in our walk with the Lord, we’ll learn more about His goodness with every step we take. Our faith isn’t a religion, but a relationship. Prayer and Bible study aren’t simply rituals, but conversations. Our God isn’t just a distant force; He’s an ever-present friend. The focus of our faith is getting to know Him better.”

Right now, I guess the Lord is my ever-present friend who is “sitting shiva” with me. I am counting on Him not caring that I do not have all the words, all the scripture quotes, all the insights and revelations. I am counting on Him to just quietly sit with me when I am feeling the weight of the world in my shoulders. I am counting on Him to be okay with my silence.

This old Friends Church hymn is my background noise today. I am just a few years old, but I can hear Mom’s alto while she strokes my hair, my head in her lap, unknowingly learning these words that will stick with me all the days of my life. Roy Quick and Shirley Dunn are singing at the top of their lungs. Lowell is at the pulpit, rocking up and back on the balls of his feet with a heavenly smile on his face. Josephine is looking at him adoringly, and Carolyn is at the piano, leading us all as we sing…

Each step I take my Savior goes before me,
And with His loving hand He leads the way,
And with each breath I whisper “I adore Thee;”
Oh, what joy to walk with Him each day.

Ref:
Each step I take I know that He will guide me;
To higher ground He ever leads me on.
Until some day the last step will be taken.
Each step I take just leads me closer home.

At times I feel my faith begin to waver,
When up ahead I see a chasm wide.
It’s then I turn and look up to my Savior,
I am strong when He is by my side.

I trust in God, no matter come what may,
For life eternal in His hand,
He holds the key that opens up the way,
That will lead me to the promised land.

Today, I am grateful for days without daze.

I am grateful for a relationship with God.

I am grateful for silence while He is “sitting shiva” with me.

I am grateful that I can just talk to Him without all the flowery stuff and I don’t have to show off to the world that I know scripture and phrases that prove I am a Christian. I can just talk to Him, and that is all I need. That is all He needs, too.

I am grateful that as I listen to the thunder, as I work while the rain falls, as I notice the beauty in a purple hydrangea or the way a spider web is perfection, I also have the knowledge and realization that God, who created it all, isn’t out there beyond the stars.

He is my day.

He is my clear blue sky in the daze.

He is my ever present help in times of trouble.

He gives me these incredible gifts, even when I am silent and do not acknowledge.

For His understanding and unending love, I am grateful.