Would you still be my friend if…

• you found out I was addicted to prescription drugs?
• I left you off the invitation list?
• you found out I had walked away from my faith?
• I shared a secret about you with someone else?
• you found out I was cheating on my spouse?
• I let you down?
• you discovered I was gay?
• I stood on the side of the undocumented?
• I never call you or respond to your emails or text messages?
• I welcome Muslims or wiccans or atheists in my home?
• you knew I was obsessed with pornography?
• I told you I was a convicted felon?
• someone told you I left my marriage willingly?
• I was very blunt and said something rude to you?
• you heard I had gossiped about you to others?
• I told you I am politically opposite of you and fight for the things you are completely against?

When I left my marriage, I had a teacher friend, a close friend, who sent me an email and told me she was so disappointed in my behavior and decision and she had no words for me. Six years later, I have not heard from her again, even after reaching out to her.

A friend reached out to another friend of mine and asked if he and his partner could come and visit for a weekend. He was turned down because of his homosexual lifestyle.  “We have standards and convictions. We do not agree and will not allow sin in our home.”

When I was asked to be a part of a worship team at a former church I attended, I shared with the worship pastor that I was currently going through a divorce because I left the marriage. He immediately retracted his invitation, saying in effect, “We don’t allow people who are ‘actively in sin’ to be in leadership. Our congregation would have a problem with that.”

Parents have turned their backs on their children because of lifestyle choices; children have abandoned their parents because of the same thing, or because there is too much history of dysfunction. Siblings have refused to reconcile over petty disagreements and hurtful words spoken.

Churches I used to attend have split or have lost members because of their hard-line stance on controversial issues or because of their welcoming stance, pitting friends against each other because of their leanings.

Former students and friends have shared with me that they no longer want anything to do with God and Christianity because of the hypocrisy and the judgment and the righteous pity that is prevalent in the particular Christian community they once knew and lived in.

*****

My close teacher friend never heard my story.

My friend never sat down with the other friend to hear his story, never gave him a chance, never opened her arms to his partner.

That worship pastor, in one fell swoop, lost someone who loved playing the piano, loved serving God through music, loved the church she attended, NEEDED the church she attended, and she has never been back.

Some of my relationships will never be the same…whether it was my doing or theirs, it will never be the same.

*****

I can speak from both sides of the issue – I have been critical and judgmental, drawing a line in the sand about black and white, right and wrong, sin is sin is sin. But, I have also been on the receiving end of criticism and judgment, feeling the pain of rejection and becoming an outcast. Even now, I feel the sting of rejection among some.

But they do not know my story. They do not ask. Maybe they think they know…and it is easier to sit in judgment and ignorance than take the time to understand.

¹² Therefore, as God’s choice, holy and loved, put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. ¹³ Be tolerant with each other and, if someone has a complaint against anyone, forgive each other. As the Lord forgave you, so also forgive each other. ¹⁴ 

And over all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.

¹⁵ The peace of Christ must control your hearts—a peace into which you were called in one body. And be thankful people. – From Colossians 3, CEB

I love how Paul gives advice to those of us who follow Jesus. He encourages us to be patient, to forgive, to love, and be thankful. There is a reason for this! We are missing out on the BLESSING of beautiful relationships when we stop short of grace-giving.

I need to be this kind of friend to those who are in my life. I should be a better friend because Jesus was a better friend for me, and He is my role model. He accepted me as I was. He loved me as I was. He hung out with me as I was. He sat in the mud with me as I was. He listened to my story. He held me. He walked with me. He LOVES me, without exception.

I am grateful today for Jesus.

I am grateful today for my many friends and family who have taken the time to understand and listen.

I am grateful for the painful experience of realizing how I used to sit in judgment.

I am grateful for the painful experience of being an outcast.

I am grateful that when I mess up, I have friends who don’t cross me off their list.

I am grateful that I have friends who live a life I probably wouldn’t choose to live, make choices I might not make, but their experience makes my life rich and full, and I can learn from them.

I am grateful for my Dad who has referred to Colossians 3 on many occasions when walking beside me on my journey.

I am grateful for the opportunities I now have to take the time to understand and to listen.

I am grateful for the desire to hear someone else’s story, because I know that there is always a reason behind the behavior or because of the choice, and everyone deserves to be heard. Everyone needs the grace and forgiveness that Jesus gives and that I can also give, if I will just listen.

I am grateful for grace when I mess up, when I go back to the judgment seat, when I forget the instruction from Paul in Colossians.

And I am SO grateful for the relationships we have because of grace, given and received. Our lives are FULL and our blessings MANY, because of grace.