I do. I cannot say what their intention might be, but I have one. This is a person who I once considered a friend. Over the past few years, it has become apparent that I am the outcast and this person is the one who can be the catalyst to save me from the destruction of hell. They don’t come right out and say that, of course, but in subtle ways, they make their message very apparent.

I have been guilty of this type of self-righteousness, been a Christian bully to others whom I deemed in need of saving. And I also did so subtly through various avenues. The former students who strayed from the biblical teaching I know they received in school and at home. The friends who received my self-righteous empathy and pious unsolicited advice, just trying to be a “Christian encourager,” while imparting a silent “tsk, tsk.”

The Holy Spirit has been dealing with my heart in the last few weeks; I’m not on the giving end of this issue anymore but now on the receiving end. I am not the bully – I am the bullied. And my response is typical of my nature: I cower and allow the anxiety to build instead of doing the Barney Fife to “Nip it! Nip it in the bud!”

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” This was the scripture this morning in the message at church, a message about how we allow fear to control us, to rule our actions, to allow our emotions to gain control and determine our path. It’s a tool that Satan uses very effectively, has used very effectively in my life. At this point, I am not so much afraid as I am anxious. It’s the lump in the throat, the pit-in-the-stomach kind of feeling that causes me anxiety and prohibits me from receiving joy, and ultimately, I cannot be who God made me to be and cannot share love and grace with others because I am consumed with my own worries and insecurity.

It is time for me to nip it. I am on the receiving end of the bullying, and it is not a welcome feeling. I know now what I have done to others in the past, and I can only pray that my self-righteous, “well-meaning” actions of the past did not permanently turn others away from the grace and acceptance and forgiveness of Jesus.  Who am I but a lowly worm, and I am not qualified to sit in judgment of others. I am called to love unconditionally, to share grace with everyone, not just those I deem worthy to receive it.

So I am grateful today for the work that is being done on my behalf inside of this heart of mine. I am grateful for this moment in time, for where I have come, for where I have been, and for the grace that has been shown to me – grace with no strings attached.

I am grateful that in this present pain, I can see the Son. I am grateful that in the pain of the past, I chose to not turn my back on God because of those who represented Him in the form of “standing on the truth of what is right and what is wrong” and the self-righteous, unsolicited “Christian encouragement,” and I am grateful for those who shared Jesus’ unconditional love and stood by me where I was at, not where I should be. I am grateful that I have received grace with no strings attached and can now share grace…with no strings attached.

I am no longer my own, but Thine.
Put me to what Thou wilt, rank me with whom Thou wilt.
Put me to doing, put me to suffering.
Let me be employed by Thee or laid aside for Thee, exalted for Thee or brought low for Thee.
Let me be full, let me be empty.
Let me have all things, let me have nothing.
I freely and heartily yield all things to Thy pleasure and disposal.
And now, O Glorious and Blessed God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, Thou art mine, and I am Thine. So be it.
And the covenant which I have made on earth, let it be ratified in heaven. Amen. – Wesley’s Covenant Prayer